Jagged

So how are you? Long-time no see.

(Talk? See? I don’t know.)

I feel like the last few weeks have been a blink. I’ve been pushing & pushing so much that I knew this was gonna happen. And today it happened.

I hit a fucking wall.

I woke up & immediately felt defeated. Yep. Low day.

Motherfucker. I’ve been doing good.

Sigh.

“So what’s been going on?”

– I haven’t been to the gym in almost a week. I’ve been going every fucking day & then I got swamped with work so I couldn’t cut away like I could usually do. So naturally, I feel like a fucking loser, worthless, etc.

– Boss #1 can be a royal dick so I’ve been dealing with that bullshit as well. I feel like he’s just trying to find things to be pissed at me about. Today was because Company A pays for both Location A & Location B. There’s no way for me to know which one because he has it set up unnecessarily complicated in the system & they have a jacked-up AP department who likes to pay random amounts. Like if the invoice is for $500, for example, they’ll send two checks for $371.42 & $128.58. No idea why. So since they were paying a chunk off of Location A with random amounts & they didn’t reference an invoice number (like they were supposed to), I just assumed it was for Location A. Nope. It was for B. No fucking way for me to know that but I should’ve “guessed.” I thought that’s what I was doing but what the fuck ever.

– I’m not happy with a few relationships. I don’t like feeling this alone. It pulls me down fast. It reminds me too much of my empty childhood. I don’t have the energy to work on them either. I need them to take the reins.

I somehow feel overwhelmed & behind at the same time. It’s weird. I can’t even put it into words. All I can think of is NM’s words repeating over & over, “Just write it out. Get it out & you’ll feel better. It doesn’t have to make sense.”

I’m sure this post is choppy but my mind is jagged right now.

I’ve felt like I’ve needed to cry all day but there’s nothing. It’s just…empty? Hollow? I’m not sure.

Oh, Depression. You’re such a bitch.

This is me, having a day.