Day 1

So like I told you yesterday, I decided to start at the gym today. I did & I felt powerful. God, I’ve missed this. I’m excited to go back tomorrow, even though I know I’ll probably be sore in the morning. πŸ˜‰ Worth it.

It’s obvious to me that I’m using it as therapy because I feel this deep drive (“compulsion,” as Dr. H calls it) to go back. Like I wanna go back today. I’m still angry and hurt and annoyed and nothing is fixed. It’s like the gym just helped stir the pot but that’s it. I haven’t worked through it all yet. And me & my impatient soul, I want it to be all fixed now.

I don’t really have an end date with going balls to the wall. I do have a personal goal by October 15th to get some clarity. That gives me 6 weeks to work through what’s going on in my head and my heart. Hopefully, by then, I’ll be feeling better in several areas. Other than that, I’m just pushing forward. I’m gonna do me & do my best to not flip everyone else off in the process. The temptation is real.

It’s just before 1730 & I’ve barely eaten today: Bang, protein shake, & a Quest bar. I ate the bar because I was feeling lightheaded & my stomach was immediately annoyed with me. Damned if you do; damned if you don’t. I know I’m under some stress & anxious for the future. And I know that it’s showing up via my stomach. I can’t live like this for 6 weeks while I’m sorting through things so I’m trying my best to keep myself distracted. Some of my distractions are fantastic – I’m hauling ass at home & with work. Others… not so much.

Being really honest, I picked up a new vice. I’m not ready to say what as it’s my coping mechanism. I can already feel Dr. G’s disapproval but I look at it like it’s short-term. It’s keeping me from snapping so let’s do it. I know me. The pendulum likes to swing hard so maybe I’ll find a happy medium. But for now, this works.

So yeah. That’s kinda where I am. For the first time in a long time, I really feel alone in this journey. I’m not afraid but I am anxious. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it (present company excluded) so I’ll just be figuring this out as I go.

And I feel like throwing up. God, I hate stress.



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