Shifting my energy

Ugh. Okay, so today is one of those posts when I’m working through some stuff. Side note: these posts don’t get put on FB because it’s a little too raw for me.

I’m really frustrated. Emotionally, sexually, physically. I’ve talked to him several times about this & I feel like I’m just getting 🤷 every time. My needs are constantly put aside & I find myself worn out from that.

Let’s be honest: I’m a fucking catch. I’m a bisexual with a fairly healthy appetite. I can cook, clean, & make you laugh. I drink whiskey not daiquiris & I love steak. I like football & I have no interest in Nicholas Sparks novels or movies.

I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot. When I flirt, flirt back. If I kiss you, don’t pull away. When I wanna talk, listen. Basic relationship stuff. I don’t play coy so there’s no guesswork with me. Easy peasy.

But I still feel… I don’t know. Undervalued? Misunderstood? Consistently told to wait? It’s a flurry of emotions so I can’t quite pinpoint it. The dominant one is hurt.

I know, I know. He’s going through a lot. But I am too. I’m tired of being the patient & understanding one. Again, I’m not mad at him. I’m realizing how things aren’t gonna change so I need to channel this energy elsewhere.

So I’m gonna do just that. I decided earlier today to go balls to the wall with my physical health. I made one last attempt tonight to be cutesy & that was shut down hard so this is the right decision. Maybe if my ass looks like it could crack a walnut, he’ll notice me.

Sigh. I start tomorrow. I’ll keep you updated.

Take note: this is how disorders start. I’m hyper-aware of it so don’t worry. I’ll be fine.