I’m currently sitting on my bed. I went to Temple, ran to Target, & came home. I changed my clothes, put on soothing music, & sat down. And the whole time, I’m trying to not cry.

“What’s going on?” My heart hurts. I’m not ready to open everything up & give you all the details. It’s still too fresh. But I will tell you the gist as it will help me to process & help you understand. And because I hate that vague shit. 😉

I was watching an episode of Queer Eye last night (love the Fab 5) & Karamo was talking to this young man about his life. The guy was really lazy and apathetic. He made a ton of excuses & didn’t take any responsibility. Karamo gently yet directly told him that he’s coasting through life. And that’s no way to live. So much so that his roommates were using this as an intervention because they didn’t know what else to do.

It takes a few tough love speeches from all the guys to open up his eyes. He starts to really see that he’s the one who’s been holding himself back. Obviously, this young man isn’t 100% better but he’s on the right track. Instead of coasting, he’s hitting the gas pedal.

Okay, so that’s been sticking with me all day. Between that & my last post, I think it helps paint a picture of where I am. Or, like I said, at least give you the gist of it.

Like the QE guys, I’ve watched others coast & tried to help. But there’s no change. Just more empty promises. And in the end, it’s heartbreaking because I care more than they do. These aren’t like 20-year-olds who are figuring out life. These are people in their 30s & 40s who live like they’re 20. I’m stressing out for them because I can see the path they’re on & where it leads but they don’t seem to care. “Somehow it’ll work out.” Yeah, at the expense of others. And the cycle starts again.

I’m trying to save them & I don’t know why. If they want to coast, I need to let them coast. This is the life they’ve chosen. Maybe they need to crash & burn. As much as I want to save them from the pain (because I’ve been there), they refuse to listen.

So what’s my plan? As much as it hurts me, I’m gonna stop waving the red flags. Instead, I’ll have to watch them fall into their own destruction. I decided to shift my focus from on others to myself. I’m gonna happily be more selfish with my decisions & cultivate self-discipline. I’m gonna work on me. Pure & simple.

It’s not an easy decision but it hurts to be ignored, constantly rescheduled, & pushed off in favor of laziness. I’m wasting my time, my energy, & my emotions. I need to invest in me & let them be them.

Sigh. Easier said than done.

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