I think this is part 4 by now… I’ve been taking little breaks throughout the day in writing this.
Disclaimer: This is just where I’m at today. I don’t need anyone to “check up” on me. I don’t need to meet anyone for lunch. I don’t need to call my therapist. I’m not in any danger. Don’t treat me differently or pawn me off. I’m just getting this out. I’ll be fine in due time. 🙂
I’ve been emotionally simmering for a while now. Not in anger but with depression. I can tell it’s right there but it hasn’t boiled over yet. It’s enough to make me feel a little lethargic & feel unwanted. I’ve had a few break downs but I’m not down the rabbit hole. I’m working through it via talking to you, getting shit done, & trying to distract myself. I feel like if I stop, I’ll crash & burn. Not exactly the healthiest coping mechanism but there it is.
As my day is going on, I’ve realized something: I’m punishing myself. I went out Saturday with sweet MB & I drank my body’s weight in whiskey & scotch. I haven’t gotten that drunk in…wow. Ages, really. College, maybe? Like I blacked out when I got home. I threw up a few times (rum doesn’t sit with me & I knew that & did it anyway) & I had a wicked hangover all day on Sunday. Oh, and I’m on my period so it was overall totally enjoyable.
I vowed to never drink that much again. I don’t like who I become when I drink that much. I get REAL flirty & I can’t remember everything. It’s just way too dangerous. My friend JM once told me, “It’s okay, SC. Everyone’s been there.” Yeah, I get that. But I can’t brush it off. No, I feel like I need to “suffer for my sins.” I’m sure it’s my fucked up upbringing as to why I’m emotionally flogging myself. But I feel like I deserve it…?
I don’t know. It’s hard to describe. And it doesn’t matter what Dr. G or others have told me. It’s ingrained in my psyche: I need to suffer for an undetermined amount of time. And when I get that release, I’ll let it go & be fine. It’s the routine that I know & I’m familiar with. I know this route by heart & I need to follow it every step of the way. I can’t skip to the end. I can’t bypass this. I’m sure that the OCD because even the thought of treating myself right & forgiving myself makes me uneasy & want to start counting something.
Dr. G’s words are in the background of my mind, “You deserve happiness. You are human. You are strong. You’ve come this far.” I can hear her calling out to me. Her voice is floating through the fog. It’s strong enough for me to hear it but not enough for the fog to clear. It does keep the darkness at bay so it’s helping on that level. Kinda like it’s all grey versus black.
Progress, I guess?
I haven’t eaten a meal since lunch yesterday. I feel like I’m almost “allowed” to eat so maybe I should do that. It’s almost like asceticism but for deranged reasons versus religious reasons.
Have I mentioned how much I hate mental illness & the stigma against it? Ugh.
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