Noisemakers & sparklers

Continuing with baring my soul…

I don’t like fighting for attention. It’s not my personality. I feel foolish & desperate, & most of all, vulnerable. What I will do is maybe make a joke or two about it & see how the other person reacts. I don’t do this to be manipulative; I want to drop the hint without being rude or making them uncomfortable. “Always give them an out” has been my motto.

So I’ll make a comment or two. Depending on my personal relationship with them, I’ll either make my peace & drop it or be direct with how I feel. That’s pretty much my last straw. I’m not gonna stand around with noisemakers & sparklers to get your attention. It’s not how I’m wired. And if you’re expecting me to go all out for you to notice me, you’re in for a long wait.

Remember, I don’t play games. I currently have a few relationships where I have flat out said exactly what I needed. I can’t make it any clearer than that. And not much has changed. Actually, they’ve promised change but nothing’s happened. I’m not angry with them; I’m disappointed. I don’t feel like I’m asking for much here. I just need a little change, a little movement to show my side in this relationship matters. But it seems to be too much work for them to take a step in my direction.

What gets me is that I know they probably don’t see it that way. They’re busy. Or sick. Or swamped with work or kids or life or whatever else. Part of me feels like I need to be more understanding. But a stronger part of me says she’s tired of being understanding of others. It’s my turn for someone to see me & to make an effort to be with me.

Again, I’m not asking for much. If you say you’re gonna do something, do it. If we make plans, keep them. Contact me first instead of waiting for me to make the first move. Tell me how you feel instead of adding a “me too” to whatever I say. Things like that mean a lot to me. Because here’s the truth – my sparkler is almost burned out & my noisemaker is broken. If you can’t see or hear me now, you never will. I will walk away & you will wonder what went wrong. These aren’t empty threats as much as reality (remember?). I know how my mind works & I know once my heart is out, it’s out.

Probably the most painful part of this is when I have completely walked away only to hear from them months later. Not days. MONTHS. “Oh, I miss you! I’ve been busy!” For three fucking months? You couldn’t stop for 2 minutes to send me a message? “I’ve been meaning to talk to you!” The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Piss or get off the pot. Is that how little I meant to you? You didn’t realize I was gone for MONTHS?

Sigh. It’s just a difficult process. I’m tired of going through it…

But hey, maybe you want that out & you don’t know how to gracefully exit. Consider this your open door. Vaya con Dios. May you find happiness, love, & laughter everywhere you go. We’re good, fam. 🙂 


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