So I’m not sure how to word this latest phase of life I’m in. I’m sure I’ll sound bizarre & not make a lot of sense. My apologies in advance. I’m not drunk nor am I high. Just new territory. 🙂
I saw Dr. G on Monday. I was telling her all about these wonderful, positive changes that are happening, more so in the past month with Job #2. She was smiling so big & kept saying how happy & how proud she was. I know you’re not supposed to seek out validation but OMG. It’s sweet to my soul. 🙂
Anyways, I was telling her how I don’t trust it. Like it feels fake but it’s still hanging around so I guess it’s true? She totally gets me. She knows I’m not delusional. It’s because I was raised to not trust anything good happening. Good things don’t last & if you enjoy it too much, something terrible will happen (Not that that was ever told to me verbatim but it might as well have). She told me to work on internalizing these good feelings. No fucking clue how to do that & she won’t tell me how.
Sigh. Therapy, man. So much work.
In the process of trying to get all of this validation & praise deep into my soul, I find myself cautiously stepping out into the world. I’m aware of these latest changes in my life & I’m not sure how to handle them. I’m constantly evolving & until I know how to put exactly what I need into words & to search for that, I’m not making any rash decisions. I mean, part of that is my personality, yes. But the majority of it is because I’m here in the unknown. This is new ground & I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m walking across a frozen lake, scared that it’ll crack underneath me. And then there’s Dr. G who’s like, “This isn’t a frozen lake. This is solid ground.” And I’m like, “Are you sure? I’ve heard that before.” 😉
Where’s the line between being careful & dragging your feet? Is that where I am? How do I make the smart move? I don’t want to go forward if I’m not ready & be overwhelmed or overtaken by life. How do I know if I’m ready?
I guess I’ll just try to be brave & take it one instance at a time. And in time, I hope I can make this new territory my home.