I guess this could also apply to other partners but seeing how I get the most resistance from wives (in heterosexual relationships), I’m directly addressing them today. YMMV.
I get it. I do. This is not what you had planned. Maybe you were raised with the false belief that only one person would take care of you completely. I’m sorry you were lied to. That’s not true nor is it realistic. You thought he would only be interested in talking with you. You would fulfill all his needs & he would have no desire to look elsewhere for friendship.
But then I came along.
Who is this woman? How dare she waltz in & laugh with YOUR man? Doesn’t she know he’s married to you? Ugh, what a whore. Why is trying to steal your man?
Let me help you out: she’s not.
This “whore” grew up around guys. I read X-Men comics, played video games, & could throw a mean spiral. I’m not using these as a manipulative tool to relate with your husband & to snag him away. This is just my experience. Because of that, we have a few common interests. Maybe we work together or went to college together. It doesn’t mean he’s gonna drop you & we’re starting a new life together.
I don’t want your husband. Trust me. You have nothing to worry about. I was looking for a friend, not a lover.
And if your husband is being all secretive, that’s on him. Not me. I guarantee if you read our texts it would be full of 12-year-old humor, comments & theories about End Game or Game of Thrones, & some random gifs sprinkled in there. Feel free to read over your husband’s shoulder while we’re texting. In fact, text me as well. There’s no shame here.
But instead of being proactive, jealousy & insecurity rear their ugly heads & now you’re reacting to a flurry of emotions. Like Cerberus, it growls & launches itself upon any threat – real or imaginary. In short, it takes over.
And so, you probably have a knee-jerk reaction. You say something like, “I don’t want you talking to her” or “I don’t trust her.” Maybe you mess with his head by saying something like, “Aren’t I enough?”, which of course, makes him feel guilty for friending me. Or maybe you play the ultimate card & say something like, “You’re married. You shouldn’t be talking to her. It’s not right.” This is really fucked up because now you’ve convinced him that any interaction outside of you is wrong. He’s gonna work with other women at his job, talk to female doctors & nurses, order from a female barista. You can’t be cut off from half of the human race. Good luck with that miserable life.
I could tell you I’m not interested in him until I’m blue in the face, how I’m in a committed relationship, how I’m not looking for a “side piece,” or whatever else. But it won’t change anything because it all comes down to trust. If you don’t trust your husband, that is between you & him. Not me or any other person. If you get this upset over some random person in his life, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. Those who trust their partners don’t give it a second thought. They know where they stand & their relationship is rock solid.
And before you even start with the whole, “Yeah but…,” lemme tell you that I’ve heard it all. And it’s all the same problem – a lack of trust. Your situation isn’t unique. It’s common. And in my situation, it happens with 99% of my friendships with men. If you two need to spend some time together to work on you, I completely respect that & I’m proud of you for recognizing unhealthy behavior. But to tell him he’s not “allowed” to talk to any else is controlling & will create tension, anger, & bitterness. It will bite you in the ass. I promise you that. I see that shit happen all the time.
Please listen to my experience & take my advice. If there’s something you don’t trust about me or any other person, discuss it in private with your husband. If he tells you it’s innocent, believe him. If he feels guilty, go from there. But don’t blame this other person. Unless she full out says something like, “Leave that bitch & be with me.” 🙂
I hope this helps you understand my position. If not, send me a message after you’ve talked to him. I’m here for both of you.
Take a deep breath. Believe the best. Enjoy your hubs.
Once again, I’m not interested in him. 🙂