Throwing in the towel

It wasn’t my intention to write about this. In fact, I have a list of other issues I want to work out. But this one jumps to the top of the list just because I can’t stop thinking about anything else. I’ve tried a few distractions and it’s just getting louder. I find myself rubbing my hands a lot which is what I do when I’m really worked up. I can’t seem to let it go so I’m hoping that by talking to you, my mental self will calm the fuck down. Welcome to my world.

I’m really, really fucking pissed right now. Every little thing is setting me off. Right now, I have zero tolerance and zero patience. Basically, I’m so over waiting on others.

Here’s just a quick list of what’s pissed me off lately:

  • Bird-dogging my boss (Job #1) for information to do my job correctly. Why am I waiting for you to give me ALL the information?
  • Friend asks for my help with no follow through. Waste of my fucking time.
  • I have a list of shit I’ve REPEATEDLY asked my SO to do. And bupkis.
  • Co-worker says she’ll send me her notes. I’m still waiting.
  • Friend says she misses me & wants to get together. We haven’t spoken in weeks.

I’m done hounding people to do what they need to do or to keep their word. It’s not my job to make sure you do what you said you would do. Why is this such a foreign concept?! Why can’t people just be fucking grown-ups and handle their shit?!

With work, I decided to tell them I’ll complete the task when you give me EVERYTHING. Giving me 40% of the information & then being pissed that I didn’t finish is bullshit. How is this my fault?!

Also, I’m taking a break from helping others. It’s so fucking pointless right now. It’s not appreciated & I find myself following up & carrying WAY more than they do. I’m the one initiating contact – How’s your aunt? How’s work going? Are you feeling better? etc. – and there’s no consideration on my end. Why do I even bother? I thought I was helping them but the truth is I’m stressing out & they’re coasting by. WHYYYY am I doing this? It doesn’t hurt them enough as long as I’m carrying the brunt of everything.

So this stops now. Fuck it. You’re on your own. I’m done.

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