“I would, but…”

I fucking hate that phrase. Do you know how many times I’ve heard it? Roughly sixty bajillion. It’s always said to me like it’s supposed to make everything better. Like they’re the first person to bail on me. Like everything was out of their control & I’m the only one who has to suffer.

But you know what? I’m fucking done. Fuck you & your fucking fucked up schedule, you fuck!

Grr…

A few days ago, upon hearing that I’m in love with their pretzel bites, an owner of a local bar said he would hook me up tonight! Woo hoo! This is a bar that MB & I go to so we made plans to go. Fast forward to today, something came up (legit) & she can’t go. This isn’t characteristic of her so I’m not upset (Love you, MB!). I know she would only cancel if something happened. It sucks but it’s the first time she’s ever canceled so I’m not too concerned. If it was the 4th time, I’d be rolling my eyes & doing a jerk off motion right here.

And so, I asked NM if they want to join me. “Not really feeling it.” Okay… Maybe I was feeling it? Did that ever cross your mind? So I asked CR & that was the plan up until maybe an hour ago when, what do you know, something came up.

At this point, I’m 3 for 3. And I’m done.

I have no problems going anywhere by myself. I love to do that. But in tonight’s case, I just wanted an hour or two with another adult. I’ve been on spring break for Job #2 & I work at home with Job #1. I was feeling lonely. I have a window & I wanted to share that with the ones who claim I matter. Yeah huh. Called you out on your bullshit.

TBH, today was a low day. I felt shitty & very depressed. I stayed in bed most of the day. I was looking forward to seeing my friend & feeling better. It’s why I was hanging on. Why is it so fucking hard to get together when I need it? I’m either worth it or I’m not. You can make excuses or make time. To me, it’s very black & white.

And you know what? I’m done asking others if they want to hang out. Clearly, I’m not a priority. You’re only there for me when it’s convenient for you. When YOU need something or some advice or a friend or whatever. But when I’m in the trenches, I’m alone.

Fuck. You.

You know wanna know what a true friend looks like? I was talking to LH about this & telling her how I felt. She dropped EVERYTHING & is gonna go out with me tonight. She was feeling shitty earlier too & this is a last minute decision, a huge inconvenience for her. But she’s doing it. Why? Because I need it. She could tell that tonight was different. That is true friendship. ❤

And as a thank you, I’m buying her drinks tonight. I’ll probably cry when I see her. That’s how much this means to me. I just needed someone to hear me out & be with me. For someone to tell me that they understand & hold my hand as I try to figure shit out.

You know what? She got it & she delivered. ❤

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