Unstable

I’ve been feeling off for a while. And there’s no reason for it.

I’m caught up or ahead with work. I’ve got a great daily schedule that keeps me on top of basic household tasks & good hygiene. I’m loved by my amazing friends & relationships. Everything should be good.

But it doesn’t feel right.

It doesn’t quite feel like I’m forgetting something. It’s more like I’m waiting for the storm, waiting for the crash, waiting to fail. And honestly, I have no idea why. It’s just this general uneasy feeling I’ve had for a while. So much so, that even writing to you, my left eye is twitching (due to stress).

What am I stressed about? Why is my internal guide freaking out? It’s almost like a fight or flight response but I’m not in danger.

Dr. G’s words are echoing in my mind. “You grew up with chaos. That was your normal. So when things aren’t chaotic, you don’t trust it. You don’t know what peace is. It’s unfamiliar to you.”

I’m trying to remind myself that it’s okay, I’m safe, etc. I’m still having nightmares & waking up in a sweat (if I don’t take a Klonopin). This is definitely a deep paradigm shift. It’s a process and it’s taking longer than I care to admit.

I find myself envious of others who don’t have to deal with this change. They know what it’s like to be at peace. They welcome it with open arms. I’m more like, “Maintain your distance because you’re gonna leave me at some point & I am tired of getting hurt.”

Sigh.

Be patient with me. I’m trying my best. I’ll get there. One day at a time. ❤

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