I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank screen for the better part of 10 minutes. I do have a variety of topics to tell you but I have no drive to write anything “good” today.
And you know what? That’s okay. 🙂
So here’s what’s going on with me… The short version is that I feel overstimulated. Here’s the long version:
The last day or so have been kinda low days so I’m sure that’s why I’m feeling less than inspired.
I am feeling a little better (overall) since I’ve been actually sleeping now. For the last few months, I’ve been waking up 3, 4, 5 times a night. Sometimes to pee, sometimes because of a nightmare, & sometimes for no reason. It’s draining, to say the least. It’s very “one step forward, two steps back” for me. I finally remembered Dr. H recommending for me to take a Klonopin before I go to bed. It’s supposed to help with falling asleep & the anxiety that seeps into my subconscious & manifests in the form of nightmares. It does work which is great. I’ve done that the past 2 nights & no nightmares & no waking up in a cold sweat! Now I’m finding that I don’t wanna wake up or do anything because I’m finally getting some real rest. It’s like my body is trying to get caught up from these past few months.
I didn’t work out yesterday nor did I go to the gym this morning. I’m just…worn out. Again, I know it’s just because I’ve been that exhausted. I told myself it’s okay to have a rocky start. I need to ease into it while my body is “recharging.” My plan is to go back tomorrow & hopefully then, after a few nights of good sleep, I’ll feel better.
Does that make any sense? I kinda feel like I’m in a fog so I hope I don’t sound like a crazy person.
I usually have some sort of music playing during the day. Usually something energetic or soothing (depending on my mood). But this week? This week has been silence. Even when I’m in my car & driving around. I haven’t watched Netflix or bummed around on BuzzFeed as much as I used to. I mean, we’re talking a handful of minutes tops. Then I shut it off. It feels…loud? I’m not sure how to describe it. I get quickly overwhelmed &/or bored. I’m not sure why. I’ve been reading or listening to audiobooks instead. It seems like that’s all I have the patience for. I’m also going to bed early because I’m just done with the day. I’m not sure if that’s depression-related or adding on to feeling overwhelmed.
It’s definitely a weird phase that I’m in. The only reason I can think is that being so sleep deprived has brought me down to the basics. Survival & such. It’s like I’m easily overstimulated is just too much for me to handle right now.
I don’t feel sick or anything, which is good. I’m working on simplifying a lot & to omit all the noise. Whether if that’s pointless shit, toxic environments, selfish assholes, whatever. Some things are a struggle to cut out but that’s more OCD-related than it being mentally or emotionally challenging. It’s definitely a process.
Okay, I need a break from writing. I need to switch gears while I still have some energy. I’ll keep you updated…
I need this reminder. Just focus on her, SC. Fuck the rest.