Those who know me know I love nature. Always have, always will. It speaks to me in ways I can’t explain. Well, at least not without sounding like a crazy person. 😉
My emotions are deeply invested in astronomy. I’ve been elated with a supermoon, speechless at Mars & Jupiter, & found a friend in Orion. I think it all stems from my lonely childhood. I would open my Care Bears curtains & stare up at the sky for hours. I couldn’t get enough. I would talk to God or constellations or planets. I would tell them about my day, my worries, & my joys. I would sing happy songs to them & silently cry when the burden was too heavy. Every night, I would look for my interstellar friends. I would squint to see Pluto (yes, it’s a planet) & when I was younger, swear I saw Saturn’s rings. 😉 I would pray for nighttime to appear just so I wouldn’t feel so alone.
I asked CR about it tonight – why do I have this pull with nature? She said it’s because it’s where I feel the most grounded. And she’s right. In the midst of my chaotic life, I feel like nature reconnects me to what really matters. Technology, while amazing & helpful, brings a lot of “noise.” It makes me think of how Marie Kondo (love her) describes it – “metallic.” All of the electronics bring about a metallic “taste” to the atmosphere. I know, I know. That sounds out there. But think about how refreshed you feel when you get away from it all. Yeah? That feeling? That’s what I want. And I get that with my stars.
I mentioned a while back how I don’t understand people who can stare at the TV for hours on end. It’s draining to me. It’s like I can feel my brain cells dying off, one by one. I’d much rather do something more productive. Or if I’m relaxing, maybe watch an hour of Netflix before I read or listen to some music or something else. I find that my tolerance for binge-watching is getting smaller & smaller. I feel like there’s so much that needs to be done (personally or globally) & my attention would be put to better use elsewhere.
All of that to say this…
Tonight, I called a friend. I asked them to look at the beautiful moon tonight. They were on the couch watching TV. C’mon, go to the window. It’ll take 30 seconds tops. Their response? “I’m not interested in that.”
Something I’m passionate about, something that brings me joy, something that’s rare (like the supermoon) – I wanted to share this moment with them. I wanted to hear them wonder in awe or at least say, “That’s cool!” It would’ve taken them a moment to look out the window & to make me feel important.
But no. They’re not interested in what I’m interested in. They couldn’t even fake it for my sake.
I remember I had a telescope around the time Hale-Bopp was around. See, it had been THOUSANDS of years before it was by Earth & it was gonna another 2500 years before it would appear again. This is the only time in my lifetime I would see it. My cheap telescope did the best it could & I still remember seeing the foggy comet. 🙂 At the time, I tried to show my parents, my brother, & my friends. No one seemed to care. Only one friend actually bothered to look through my telescope & even then she feigned interest for about 4 seconds before she walked away, “Oh yeah…it’s blurry…let’s do something else.”
All of that came flooding back to me. That deep rejection of not being appreciated for who I am & what I’m interested in. Do you know how many times I’ve pretended to care about something absolutely STUPID in someone else’s life? Tiny, minuscule shit that won’t matter in a month, let alone a week? Times when I can feel my eyes gloss over & I gotta do something to stay awake or they’re gonna think I have narcolepsy? I’ve listened to hours & hours & HOURS of other people’s dramas, concerns, interests, what have you. Even shit that has nothing to do with them! I don’t give a fuck about the Kardashians. Why do you? And then when I want to share a part of me that takes less than a minute, I’m quickly reminded that it’s not important to them & by proxy, neither am I.
Ugh. Like I said, it hurts. I’m not really surprised by it. I think I’m just done trying. I feel like there’s more & more of me that I keep hidden because I’m tired of being hurt. Yeah, it may look like a pebble to you, but to me, it’s a sapphire. And even if you’re convinced it’s worthless, to me, it’s priceless.
It’s just another part of me that I’ll carefully box up. I’ll wrap it in brown paper & tie a nice ribbon around it because it’ll make me happy. It’ll go on the shelf with the others. Even if I’m the only one who appreciates it, it’s still beautiful & loved by me. Some days, it feels like that shelf is gonna collapse under the weight. I’m sure when that day comes, I’ll feel it in its entirety.
It’s getting to be where the only place I feel like I can be me & be respected as me is right here. I can’t tell if that’s sad or hopeful.
I’m tired of feeling alone…