Unraveling my thoughts

As you know, my mind has been in this “slush” for the better part of 6 weeks. Add to that the “on edge” feeling I’ve been having lately & you can see why everything feels cluttered & chaotic. Again, I’m not sure why but it’s just where I’m at. “Because that’s how depression works” isn’t the best answer but it is the most accurate answer. 🤷‍♀️

During my massage today, I found my body relaxed but my mind whirling. That’s nothing new, I know. My mind felt like a ball of yarn all knotted up. As I’m lying there, I’m mentally telling myself, “Oh, do this. Don’t forget about that. Shit – you gotta handle this” and so on & so forth. So I’m not really relaxed.

Instead of letting my mind to continue getting tangled up, I did my best to silence it. I would grab one string of thought & mentally cut it out via quick decisions or discard it completely.

For example:

String: Ugh. I’m out of Bangs & I’m *dragging. I’m gonna need something.
Cut: I’ll go to the gas station after my massage & pick up a few Bangs to hold me over until my next shipment comes. *snip*

String: I need to go to the gym. I have zero energy or willpower lately. What is wrong with me? I miss it but I can’t go without feeling lightheaded & weak. It’s such a vicious cycle…
Cut: Fuck it. Take the rest of February off to focus on getting your mental health back up to where it should be. Obviously, there are some deeper issues you need to resolve. *snip*

String: God, why am I so fucking tired lately? I feel like I’m sleeping all the time & I’m still yawning & exhausted!
Cut: So you need a bit more rest now. Who cares? Do what’s best for you. Fuck the rest.

Once I cut these huge knots out, I felt a lot better. I even fell asleep for a few moments on the massage table. 😉

It’s hard for me to let things go. I feel like I’m failing in some area. Between working it out here & Dr. G, I’m slowly learning that it’s not failure but strength. Sometimes it’s not worth it & it doesn’t need any of my time, energy, or focus. All it’s gonna do is knot up in my mind, right?

One day at a time. Someday, I’ll get through this phase & look back with pride.

Someday. 🙂

* Every time I say “dragging,” I think of “dragon.” Which makes me then think of this badass scene. 😉 

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