I met with Dr. G today. She is so encouraging, supportive, & funny. She & I roll our eyes over politics & ridiculous people and laugh at our crass sense of humor. 🙂 I’m telling you, hearing your therapist call someone a “12-year-old prick on a power trip” is hilarious!
We talked about how I got a speeding ticket earlier this week (I had no clue I was speeding! Haha whoops). Unlike when I got into my car accident, I was very calm. No panic attacks, no crazy high anxiety, no scary stuff! It may not sound like much but this is a huge milestone for me! I wanted to cry happy tears. I’m finally coming down the other side of this mountain.
We also talked about my narcissistic & manipulative mother. We’re making more connections to my past & why I’m wired the way I am. Stuff like, because I was gaslighted & made to believe everything comes with a price, is why I throw up a wall & I don’t trust others. Sometimes it’s hard to work through some past memories. Especially when I don’t want to deal with it. 😉 But the wound can’t heal as long as the infection is still there, right? So we’re working on cleaning it out & letting all the bullshit fade away.
My hiatus from FB wasn’t very long since I logged back on today. I just needed a little breather from it & I do feel better. I realized a large chunk of what was bothering me is the constant “LOOKATMEEEE!!!” from everyone sprinkled with 427 ads for bullshit I’m not interested in.
I’m not an attention whore by any means. Even with performing, don’t put me front & center. 😉 The best way I can think to describe it is that everyone else is clamoring for their own attention so my needs got pushed way, way back. As long as I’m not in critical condition, no one seems to notice me. I’m not a pessimist; I’m a realist.
I’m in this phase of life where I’m tired of fighting for attention. I’m either important or I’m not. You’ll either make the time or you won’t. I’m not gonna chase after anyone anymore. During this past week, I’ve consistently talked to 3-4 friends. We talk, make plans, FOLLOW THROUGH, & have a great time.
And! They are awesome so I’m keeping them. 🙂
So, yes, I logged back on to see a few friends that I had missed what was going on in their lives. I did unfriend a few & I’m thinking about cutting through my list again. I don’t like to keep “fake” people in my life. I want to only keep people I know who love me & support me. I feel like some people only want to see me fail. Fuck those people, right?
So that’s kinda where I am right now. So far, 2019 has been a transitional type of year for me. We’ll see where it goes…
OMG, I love this!