There are some parts of my life that I want to leave in the past. People who’ve hurt me, jobs who pressured me into doing something illegal, places I felt unsafe, whatever.
We all have dark chapters in our lives. And it’s those chapters I want to slam shut & then padlock. Never again, right?
And I feel like, with medication & therapy, I’m doing a good job with keeping some of those sections of my life closed. I don’t need to open Pandora’s box. Truth be told, sometimes it feels like it all happened to someone else & not me. I guess that means I’ve really moved on, huh?
I know I’ve touched on this before but I felt like I needed to add on a bit. An appendix to my book of life, if you will. 😉
While I feel like I’m doing an awesome job with keeping the toxicity away, occasionally, someone or something brings it back to my focus. Ugh. Whyyyy? I don’t want your garbage. Toss that shit & move on!
I’m talking STUPID SHIT like…
- People who have failed me over & over again so I cut them out of my life months, years, eons ago. Sometimes, I honestly forget they exist. Good riddance. “I saw her the other day & she asked about you.” I don’t give a fuck. Why do you?
- Unhealthy relationships – personal or professional. “I talked to the ex again” or “Remember Nick the boss when we worked in Hell?” OMG. I’m done. You’re never gonna heal in the same environment you got sick. Drop it.
- People who knew me when I was considerably younger & use that standard against me now. “I remember when you used to –” Yeah, that’s great. I was 6. I’m 36 now. Do you know anything about me? No? Didn’t think so.
And it’s like I can’t move on because these fucking ghosts of the past are still lingering. They try to haunt me & judge me, but honestly, I’m apathetic & unmoved by their guilt. Bish, I was RAISED in a guilt-ridden home & I’m Jewish. C’mon, now. I can deal with this a lot longer & better than you can. 😉
The issue for me is that I find myself still facing the same 2-3 ghosts. Regardless of what I say or do, there they are hovering over me, trying to remind me of how things used to be. “He loved me more” or “I can do no wrong in her eyes” or “I got the promotion you wanted & worked for” etc.
It’s the fact that I can’t seem to escape them bothers me. I think I’ll be safe for a while & then someone or something will happen. And I’m right back in that place. Dr. G calls it a “trigger” & says it’s normal.
I want to exorcise these demons & be done with them. How do I do that when I can’t control it? Holy water? 😉
My new mantra