Uppers & downers

So today’s post isn’t in reference to drugs per se. Don’t be worried. 🙂 

As you may or may not know, I’m a big fan of Bang. So much so, I finally bit the bullet & decided to get a monthly shipment (cheaper & easier). It kicks the pants off of Xyience & you know how much I loved Xyience. So for the past few months, my day basically starts with a Bang (see what I did there?). Not every day, mind you, but most days.

95% of the time, that’s fine. There’s no problem & I really appreciate the extra boost to get me through the day. Sweet nectar of the gods. 😉

But 5% of the time, anxiety becomes this hyper-inflated bitch thanks to all the caffeine.  I’ve had to ward off panic attacks a lot sooner than usual. My window to take something for it is much smaller as I painfully discovered. And so, I’ve had to take Klonopin while “on” a Bang. Lemme tell you what happens – they cancel each other out. I’m not energized nor am I relaxed. I’m just here. I’m out a pill & a drink but at least my chest doesn’t feel like it has an alien in it.

And much like taking a Klonopin while I have Bang surging through me, I find myself being “canceled out” with some situations. I’m not angry or putting up a fight. I’m not emotional & pleading my case. I’m just done. I feel neutral about the issue which is new.

I used to have this friend (JP). Oh boy. She was a drama mama. Her world was always crashing & burning. ALWAYS. I felt like I was trying to put out a forest fire with a water balloon. I stressed myself out all the time with trying to be whatever she needed. We weren’t friends long (a handful of months), but believe me, it was long enough.

I feel like I’m at this chapter of my life where I’m done putting up with bullshit like that. I’m not angry. I’m past that stage, thankfully. I’m not gonna fight to clear my name either. I’m not putting my life on hold anymore. I just pick up my toys & go home. “Piss or get off the pot” has been my inner motto.

I know I’ve talked about this before but I’m noticing a new twist to it. Instead of this gradual shift into me not giving a fuck, much like taking an upper & a downer, it’s more like the two are neutralized. My recovery is much faster & I’m moving on to bigger & better things.

I mean, this analogy isn’t just for my relationships. I find it in all areas of my life. And because I’m making these quick decisions, I’m happier & healthier. There’s very little now I’m allowing to stew in my mind & to think things over. I’m more going with a gut reaction.

For the first time, I’m noticing there isn’t this internal conflict anymore. Or at least, not as much. It reminds me of chemistry – I don’t feel like sodium & water anymore.

Progress. 🙂

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