Christine Miserando brilliantly explains what life is like when you suffer from a chronic or mental illness. The short version is this: It’s like you start your day with 10 spoons. Each spoon represents your energy level. You got out of bed & that cost you a spoon. Now, you have 9. With me so far? Let’s say you took a shower & that was 2 spoons. Then you had to go to work, walk the dog, & pick up dry cleaning & all of that was 7 spoons. By the end of the day, you’re out of spoons. You have nothing left to give. Some days, going to work is 4 spoons. Other days, it’s more like 2. It just depends on how you’re doing.
I’ve been thinking about this theory lately & how it perfectly describes how I feel. Some days, I’m really productive. I have a lot of good energy going & my motivation is strong. I can make my 20 spoons (or whatever) last me until I go to bed at night.
But then I have days, like lately, when I feel like I only start with 5 spoons. And sometimes, that only takes me so far & I have to ration them out. By the afternoon, I’m exhausted & out of spoons. I haven’t been sleeping well so I’ve been taking naps the last few days. Those give me an extra spoon or two to make it through to the evening. I’m sure if I had a good night’s sleep or two, that would help reset some things.
I don’t feel really low which is HUGE. Six months ago, I would feel very depressed & probably suicidal. So I know I’m making progress. 🙂 But I’m still working through this. I’m not 100% better. I don’t feel discouraged but I do feel weak. My mind isn’t gone but it is in a fog. I am still taking my meds & going to therapy & doing what I need to do. I don’t feel alone but I do want to be alone just so I can rest.
It’s not personal. I’m just low on spoons. That’s all.
And it really has nothing to do with the New Year. I’m usually very motivated this time of year as are most people. I went to the gym on Monday (first time in 3 weeks!). My gym was renovating so I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do but in the words of the fabulous Tim Gunn, I made it work. 🙂 I already knew I wasn’t gonna go yesterday because I fucking HATE crowds. I don’t need to have a panic attack in a packed gym. I planned on going this morning but I slept only a handful of hours & decided to sleep instead. I do have some free weights here at home so maybe I’ll use those later. Keyword: later.
Right now, I think I’m gonna lie down & read for a bit. I can’t really think straight so I know I’ve hit a wall. I need to shut down & save my last spoon or two for the evening.