I love Rihanna’s face here! Like, “Dafuq did you just say to me?!” Hahaha!
I don’t know how you get around the holidays, but for me, it’s draining. Between different meals with different family members, by Christmas evening, I’m done. True to form, I spent today not as productive as I would’ve liked because my body & mind are exhausted.
Call me Grinch. IDGAF.
All I wanna do is take a hot shower & go to bed. And I can in about 2 hours.
I meet with Dr. G tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll tell her about how exhausting it is being around family members who have a variety of fucked-up opinions & beliefs and somehow feel compelled to convert you to those same opinions & beliefs. I usually just smile & nod along because that’s easier than trying to explain to an older generation how that’s not the way the world works or “No, I don’t have to explain to you why I believe what I believe. Especially since you’re in MY HOUSE.”
Sigh…for fuck’s sake…
I usually try to find some way of coping. Alcohol, food, sleep, something. This year, I decided to do some reading. I was on the couch so I’m still “involved” when others were playing a game. And if I was engaging in conversation with someone, I just changed the topics. That’s my subtle & polite way of being like, “No, bitch. You’re not gonna win this one. Get fucking over it.”
“So what do you believe?”
– None of your goddamn business.
“I think the #MeToo movement is a bunch of whiners.”
– Said the family member who never experienced sexual assault or abuse.
“Why don’t your parents visit more?”
– Why do you give a shit? I don’t.
“People need to respect our president! He’s just doing his best!”
– Uh huh. Did you feel that way about Obama? Oh, that’s right. You didn’t.
“Did you go to a Christmas Eve service?”
– No, because I’m Jewish…
“I think you should visit my church.”
– You mean the same church I was kicked out of? Nah, fam. I’m good.
“So what is your brother doing?”
– Who the fuck cares? Again, I don’t.
And so on & so on. I’m sure I should be empathetic & realize some people are just trying to relate. But you know what? Fuck that noise. These are goddamn FAMILY MEMBERS. They know I’m the black sheep of the family. They know I’ve been going to temple. They know I didn’t vote for Trump.
They just choose to not pay attention to those details because it doesn’t line up with their beliefs. And because of that, they want to “educate” me on mine.
Shit you not, my mother was arguing with me on the phone on which day the 2nd fell on. I’m looking at a calendar & telling her & she’s telling me I’m wrong. This is what I’m up against. So no, they don’t know or care to know what I actually believe or feel about various issues. Hence the “smile & wave” tactic.
And that’s why it’s so fucking exhausting. I can’t be me. I have to be this shell of who I am because, in my mind, it keeps the peace. I count down the hours until I can go home, take off my pants, grab a blanket, & watch some Netflix.
finding my truth 