Pain

I’m in a lot of pain. Emotionally & physically.

Let’s start with physically:

Last Friday, I was at the gym & I noticed my left hand/wrist was kinda sore. I figured I just kinda tweaked it from the weights & I would be fine with a day or two off. By Wednesday, I found myself massaging my hand in between sets. Doesn’t seem like a good sign, right? It’s not discolored & just a little swollen so I definitely did something painful to it. My guess is a strain or some kind.

So I bought a brace & I’ve been trying to baby it ever since then. But sometimes, stupid shit happens. Take last night for example. I was out at my bar with some friends. I went to the bathroom & I go to wash my hands because I’m not disgusting. 😉 I tried to turn the faucet on & pain shot through my hand & down into my wrist. Holy fuck. I carefully washed my hands, returned to the table, & softly cried while using my cold drink to ice my hand.

It’s not like I can’t use it either. Little things like going to the bathroom, tying my shoes, buckling up in the car have become obstacles. I feel like I’m gonna lose my progress at the gym. I haven’t gone since Wednesday which is weird. I think I’ll go on Monday & see how much I can modify.

Oh, the best part? It’s my Red Week. Yep. So trying to take care of that nonsense one-handed.

Onto emotionally:

I had a HUGE fight with a friend last night. I don’t even remember how it started or how things got so heated so fast. I do remember both of us screaming at the other on the phone. I remember crying out of anger & for not being heard. And then I had a panic attack.

Sigh. I’ve been doing so good. And then this happens…

And I really don’t want to get into what happened last night. I put myself out there & got rejected. Hard. It’s a deep, deep pain. I’ve been nauseated & crying on & off all day. It’s cutting me to my core.

As someone who was verbally abused all the fucking time growing up, it’s too reminiscent of my childhood. They don’t see it as such but they don’t know the damage that was inflicted. The demons are back & they’re loud: You’re not good enough. Once again, someone who swore they wouldn’t leave left. You’re better off alone. Why do you even bother? And so on & so forth.

Being honest: I’m having a hard time breathing. I’m looking at my Xacto & thinking about sticking it in my thigh. I’m not going to but the desire is strong.

I don’t do rejection. I especially don’t do it with people who swore they were different. They said they understood. They said they could relate. They said they would never leave.

And then they walked out.

They didn’t even fucking try. They just let me go. Because that’s how little I mean to them. I’m just another broken promise.

I’m tired of putting myself out there. I really let my walls down for them. I revealed deep, dark areas of my soul.

I will not make that mistake twice.

Love this: