Coping

I woke up with chest pains & emptying out. Because I guess one isn’t hellish enough? I’m under a stupid amount of stress lately. What am I stressed about? Anything and everything. My weight, my finances, my relationships, my jobs – shit, my life.

So guess how I’ve been coping? Alcohol. Like a lot. The last 5 times I’ve gone out (in a week, mind you), I’ve spent roughly $400. On booze. That’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t have that kind of money. Why am I doing this?

“Wait, I thought you were drying out?”

Yeah, I did. I was, whatever. And then shit hit the fan and now I’m coping with alcohol versus food. I’ve been going to the gym a lot and I’m starting to see the results of that, like my clothes are fitting a lot better, which is good. The scale isn’t doing shit so I’m drinking. I see the irony, & yes, I don’t need to be reminded of it. It’s already there in my mind.

I’m not eating that much again. I’m kinda back to a meal & a half a day. I’m just not hungry. Again, stress. I did just eat half a sandwich. Maybe I’ll eat the other half for dinner. We’ll see.

Work has been non-fucking-stop. I find myself completely overwhelmed & barely making it through. My days are flying by yet I’m still chasing after my moving goal post. IF I’m getting everything done I have to get done, it’s barely happening. Like by the skin of my teeth. I have no wiggle room & that stresses me the fuck out. Shit like making it to work with like 2 minutes to spare & then having to go balls-to-the-wall for hours.

I hate it. I can’t seem to relax or unwind.

When it’s time for me to sleep, my mind is whirling. And when I do finally fall asleep, I’m having nightmares. I can’t escape.

On top of all of this, one of my close friends is going through a rough breakup. Like their ex straight up ghosted them & they’re left holding the pieces. The whole situation really sucks. It does. But my mind is straight in a vindictive & problem-solving mode right now. Again, stress-related. I’m sure I’m not helping them but this is the best I can offer.

I talked to Dr. G about it yesterday. She stopped me to say, “SC, that’s a lot to take on.” I brushed it off, “Well, yeah, but they’re going through a lot & if I can help, I will.” She quietly exhaled through her nose & said, “That’s a big responsibility on you. How are you handling it?” I thought I was fine & I told her as such. It didn’t really hit me until late last night that I’m not. I’m really stressed out & I have no way to rid myself of it.

Correction, I do, but I’m trying to avoid certain vices. But I’m at the breaking point so I might just say, “Fuck it” & go on. Embrace the chaos & what not.

I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of balls in the air & I’m juggling them by myself. I don’t want to bother someone else with it. Last time I tried, I was told to just see a therapist because “I’m too much.” So I’m kinda done reaching out. I’m not mad at them; it’s just where they are.

And where am I? I’m over here… Coping…