So all day yesterday, I kept feeling like I was missing the mark. What is it about me that says, “Nah, fam?” As you know, in one of my relationships, I’ve tried REPEATEDLY to work on our differences but there’s been no active change. I can’t keep throwing this in the closet, shutting the door quickly, & hoping nothing falls out. My mind doesn’t work like that. “Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t exist for me. It will prey on my mind until it’s dealt with.
Yes, it sucks.
Last night, I’m in bed & I decided to watch a little Bob Ross (he’s the shit) to help me wind down. I was living in my mind & I needed that cool cat to help me put things into perspective. He made a comment about “being in the moment & making it beautiful” & I immediately realized I wasn’t doing that. I was replaying everything that had happened or hadn’t happened over & over in my mind. I wasn’t in that new, fresh moment; I was stuck in one particular moment. I was stagnant & stuck in a loop. Bob had moved on & was off painting some realistic trees & talking about his “little creatures.” I sat there in a daze with my mouth hung open.
Then it hit me: I had two choices – I could keep spinning my wheels for God knows how long or I could choose to be happy & to move forward. This person wasn’t torturing themselves so why was I? Robert Frost once said, “The best way out is through” & he couldn’t be more right. The only way I was gonna get through this is to push myself through it one way or another.
And in that split second, I was ready. Phones work both ways, right? They could contact me when they are ready. *If they never are, I will be okay. And if it takes a week, then it takes a week. I’m not going to put my life on hold & wallow in self-pity. I’m awesome, dammit. 😉
So I’m pouring myself into different projects. I set myself up with a few little happy goals for this weekend & I’m actually excited about them. 🙂
I can do this. You can do. Baby steps towards happiness. That’s all I’m doing.
*Just to be clear, I’m not mad at this person. Not at all. They’re clearly not ready to talk things through so I’m just gonna hang back until they are. That’s all. 🙂 I’ll still be here.
Elizabeth Taylor…she’s also the shit 😉