Repeating my past

Disclaimer: I’m going through some serious, deep shit. I’m not suicidal & I don’t wanna cut. Just exhausted.

I don’t know where to start. I’m not sure what happened. Everything just quickly exploded and I’m left damaged but standing in a fog of debris. It’s a fucking war zone right now.

One of my BFFs and I had a huge fight last night. And by huge, I mean I’ve never had a fight like that. Things were said that cut me very deep, straight to my core.

Once again, I’m in the way between someone and their SO. If things don’t improve, this will be the 3rd friend this year, 6th overall who chose their SO over our friendship. And this one hurts way more than any of the other ones.

I don’t get it. How am I a threat? It doesn’t seem to matter the good I’m trying to do. I’ve friended the SO and made light convo with them. I’ve sent funny gifs, pics, videos. I’ve been as supportive as I can be. BFF knows this and has seen all of this so no one is in the dark.

We did apologize to each other last night but I still ended up crying and having a panic attack. I tried taking a Xanax earlier and nothing happened. I took a Klonopin to help me stay calm enough to sleep. I had to take one immediately this morning because I thought I was gonna have another attack. So far, I haven’t.

And even though the formalities have been said, I’m still incredibly hurt. I honestly don’t know where this leaves us. I’m gonna need more than an “I’m sorry” to make things right. I don’t know what but they’re gonna have to make a real effort.

I don’t know how to move on. I’m still just standing here stunned at it all. I was immediately taken back to my childhood when I was being verbally and emotionally degraded damn near daily and not being able to defend myself. I was told that “this is all on me.” I felt like that scared little girl all over again. Especially when they said some of the exact same phrases my parents used to say to me. Like I said, it cut deep.

I don’t know where to go or what to do. I’m still in shock. I guess the silver lining is that I know what I do in these situations. I take a giant leap back and curl up in my own ball. I’ll stop initiating convo and physically distance myself from them. I throw up my walls and use what little protection I have left to keep myself safe. Either it blows over and we move forward or this is the end. Totally up to them.

Regardless of what happens, I’m tired of fighting to prove my worth. I’m tired of losing friends due to hyper jealousy and overprotective behaviors. I’m tired of always being left standing alone. I’m tired of broken promises when I’ve kept mine. I’m tired of caring so much and being told it’s bullshit.

I’m just tired.

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