I met with Dr. G earlier today. Not 2-3 hours later, I’m having to already apply what she wants me to work on. Whoever said therapy was easy is a fucking liar. 😏
We talked about my insecurities in relationships. How I’m scared I’m gonna be left all alone. How I’ll apologize even if I’m not in the wrong but just to make the other party happy. How all of this stems from my very lonely childhood.
Wow. That’s not fun to admit. 😔 I feel very vulnerable right now…
She told me I need to work on combating the negative thoughts before they take over and become suicidal thoughts. Easier said than done. I gave myself a headache trying to do just that. It’s hard to go against the current.
She also told me to, “find the evidence.” Is this person usually flaky or reliable? Maybe something did come up. Does this person love me and show me that they do? Maybe they’re just stressed about something else right now. Is there evidence to support my irrational claim? More than likely, there’s not.
A while ago, I was trying to be cute with my SO & I said something flirty. He was silent. Like I made him uncomfortable. So that was fun. Not my intention at all.
Immediately my mind is like, “Great job fucking up. Why do you always do that? Why can’t you just be quiet? He doesn’t want you.” And so on and so on. I’m trying to dismiss those thoughts and find the evidence. Does he love me? Yes. Does he care about me? Yes. Is he stressed at work so his mind is probably elsewhere? Yes. So is it more than likely that he’s just not in the mood for my hilarious yet crass humor? Yes.
I’m sure just reading it sounds very logical & sound. The difficulty is convincing myself that it’s true. Because after years & years of feeling incompetent, it’s hard to retrain yourself. It’s hard to believe that you’re worth it.
I still ended up apologizing to him. I know I’m a work in progress. I know I have to take things one day at a time. I know I need to be patient especially with myself.
Ugh. This is so stressful & difficult. It would be easier to quit. But I’m gonna keep going. Dr. G says I’m making progress so we’ll see…