Ghost

Disclaimer: I’m hurt & I’m pissed & I need to get this out so I don’t stew in it.

I feel like a fucking ghost. Can anyone see me?

I had plans tonight with someone. They were tired & asked if we could reschedule. That was fine with me. Go home & rest, right? Only to find out that they’re spending time with their SO instead.

Wow. Do I mean so little?

It would be one thing if they already had plans & so that’s why they wanted to reschedule. I mean, it would suck but I would quickly get over it. But that’s not the case tonight. As far as I know, the only plans were with me. And if something came up, why can’t they just tell me?

This isn’t the first time this has happened either.

Once again, I feel like I’m constantly playing second fiddle. Why am I not good enough to be someone’s first choice? What is it about me that says, “She won’t mind. I can blow her off”? Is it because I’m quick to forgive? Is that my Achilles? Would it be better if my heart was cold?

I’m completely hurt. I’m not crying but my *chest is tight & I’m shaking. I hate being ignored. Especially for someone else. I don’t give a fuck if it’s a SO or not. I’m still a person with feelings & emotions. Does that not matter? In their words, “I’ve done so much for them.” Doesn’t that warrant me some face time? I was thinking like an hour tops to grab a drink or two, not all night. They could’ve spent time with me & their SO. No problem at all. Sigh. I don’t get it.

I’m already paranoid & in my head. This doesn’t help. This just makes me believe that I’m not important. I’m TRYING so hard to be understanding but all evidence is pointing elsewhere. Am I just an idiot? Or am I invisible? Does my heart not matter? I don’t know what to do. Do I hold on or disappear?

Stupid fucking heart. Ugh. I’m done with it. It’s only brought me pain.

* I took a Klonopin. Just waiting for it to kick in.

Here. Take it. I clearly can’t win. I try to do what’s right & honorable & it’s not working.