Thinking things through

Disclaimer: I’m just getting this all out of my head so I can process all of this. Again, this is my reality & a form of therapy.

“What are you thinking about?”
Oh, just stuff…

How I’m feeling pretty shitty today. I had horrible, rejection-filled nightmares all night long. I’m trying to not let it affect my mood today but I’m failing. Probably because it’s what I believe in my heart of hearts.

How I feel glossed over. Old news. Discarded. Ignored. An afterthought. And in all honesty, I’m just tired of fighting for attention or affection.

How if I didn’t make the initial contact, would you? If I didn’t schedule get-togethers, would you? If I didn’t tell you how I feel, would you?

How I’m not sure of anything anymore. There are days, like today, when I feel like giving up, calling it quits. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything that sets me apart, nothing that makes me stand out from the crowd. I don’t feel “special” or “unique.” I feel “meh” or “decent” or just that I blend in with the background.

How it would be easy for me to sink into a dark hole but that’s honestly not how I feel. I want to walk away just to see what happens. Would you chase after me or even notice I left? I don’t mean this as a manipulative tool. More like I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing all or most of the work. Every relationship has its gives & takes and ideally, it should be balanced. I feel like all I’m doing is giving. And I’m tapped out. Right now, I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time.

Do I hold on? Do I trust you? Or do I back off & walk away?

Ugh.

You know…stuff…

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