Today marks 2 months of this particular episode. God, it’s so draining. I’ve never had one last this long. I’ve just recently stopped trying to resist it & now I’m going with the flow. Maybe by acknowledging my feelings, I’ll get over it faster? I don’t know. It’s a theory I’m willing to test out. Anything to move this along.
I went to the temple this morning & it was wonderful. I met a few of the congregants (members? I don’t know what to call them) & they were so sweet & so gracious. They knew I was new & were beyond helpful. They were all 30-40 years older than me (ha!) but they seemed thrilled to have me there. Even the rabbi & his assistant (? Rabbi-in-training? I don’t know. I’m not sure what his title is) came up to me. They didn’t care that I’m not fluent in Hebrew or that I don’t know all the rituals yet. They were just happy I was there. I needed that win. ❤
And now, I’m sitting here at my desk in silence. My head is still spinning from this week. I do realize that part of this is from upping my meds. It’s a little discouraging to think that I’m starting the clock over for adjustments but at least it’s gonna be the right dosage, right? And hopefully, it won’t take as long since I’m not switching meds.
I am in my head deeply about a personal relationship. Actually, if I’m being honest, a few of them. I’m slowly taking steps backward. I know I’m not in my right mind & I feel like I’m fucking things up. I’m not trying to make anyone’s lives miserable or stressed or inconvenienced by me. If you can believe it, I’m trying to do the right thing. I’ve swallowed my pride, bit my tongue, & apologized for basically just being me. Somehow, by being me, I have offended others as if my intentions were malicious. Let me tell you – Nothing is quite as painful as being vulnerable, sending a message, knowing that they saw it, & not getting a reply. Kinda goes back to the whole feeling unnecessary & unappreciated. It’s a pattern in my life & Dr. G says we’re gonna fix it. Here’s hoping. 🙂
So yeah. I’m not feeling amazing today. I’m trying to hold onto my Jewish win to get me through this day. I need to find something to do or I’ll just stare at the clock all day in silence.
I know. Easier said than done.
Wish me luck.