I love Awkward Yeti!
Okay, so my phone was blowing up yesterday & today with all kinds of concerns & questions. I couldn’t stay on top of them all & I thought this would be a better avenue to answer them. Especially since they’re a lot of the same questions.
“OMG are you okay?!”
Yes. I’m fine.
“But I read your posts! You’re suicidal!”
Yes, but I’m okay. My friend MB said it best, “There are layers.” You don’t go from feeling suicidal one day to sticking a gun in your mouth the next. That’s not how it works. It’s a growing process. It’s kinda hard to explain but let me try to help clarify any confusion.
I’ve been suicidal for a long time. Even before this blog. My therapists know this. They’re not in the dark. This is why I’m seeing them, taking medication, & using this blog to work out my thoughts. In fact, they encourage me to write it out rather than having these thoughts fester in my mind. It might be hard for an outsider to see but I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. It’s just a long process to get better. I’m still adjusting to my meds & as I’ve mentioned before, Dr. H told me it would get worse before it gets better.
Just because I have these thoughts doesn’t mean I’m gonna act on them. I’m sure you’ve had thoughts of popping your boss in his mouth or robbing a bank or whatever. I don’t tell you to go to anger management or talk to the police, right? Same thing here. These are just my thoughts & I’m working through them. All is well.
“How do I know you’re not gonna kill yourself?!”
You don’t. Neither do I. This is why I’m in therapy. C’mon now. Gimme some credit. 😉
“Does your SO know?”
Of course, he knows. I try to hide a lot from him so he doesn’t have to deal with it but, yes, he’s fully aware of everything.
“Are you guys okay?”
Yes, we’re fine. 🙂
“Is there anything I can do?”
Yes. Treat me normally. The last thing I need is your pity. Yes, mental illness sucks but I don’t need you to feel sorry for me or start looking at me differently just because you found out.
“How long have you felt this way?”
Suicidal? I’m not sure. A few years, maybe? Depressed? Over 20 years. So, yes, I’m used to this.
“How about you come over & spend time with me so you’re not alone?”
I really do appreciate the gesture but that’s not what I need at all. I need some quiet, alone time. It’s soothing to my soul.
“But I don’t trust you to be alone.”
Then you don’t trust or know me at all. *shrug*
“Let’s get lunch tomorrow!”
Okay. slow your roll. I do want to meet up with you but I need time. It’s not you. It’s just a lot for me to go through & deal with & I’m over-stimulated right now. I might hermit away for a while to get my anxiety under control and that’s okay.
“What triggered this episode?”
I don’t know, life? There isn’t necessarily a trigger every time. That’s not how it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. Some days are better than others. That’s all.
“So you’re all better now?”
No, I’m not. But again, it’s a process. And I’m working on it. Give me time.
“But you’re scaring me.”
I’m sorry as that isn’t my intention. But if you’re scared, imagine how I feel. This is why I have to take it one day at a time.
“What does your therapist/SO/everybody else think?”
That’s really personal. Why is that detail important to you? Just know that if I didn’t say anything here, I’m not open to talking about it. Thank you for respecting my privacy. ❤
“I love you.”
I love you, too. It’s not personal. I know your heart is in the right place. But this is my own battle in my own war. There are just some things I have to do alone.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
I’m still here. I haven’t gone anywhere. Use this extra energy & find someone else who’s struggling. There are a lot of us out there. Make sure they know you care. Life is too short.
I hope that helps clarify my position as well as answer some questions. Feel free to comment if there’s anything else I didn’t cover.
Thank you ❤