Paranoid

Let me preface this by saying I know I’m in my head. I know I’m not thinking straight. I know I’m trying to physically heal as well as mentally & emotionally. So, yes, there is a lot going on right now. From what I’ve been told, it is all in my head. I’m still dealing with some lovely side effects like paranoia which I’m trying to control before it turns into a full-fledged sabotage. This is me working it out before I say or do something I’ll regret.

I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. It’s been a hair over 7 weeks now & I feel like things are stagnant.

“No, we’re good. Things are fine. You’re just overthinking things.”

I know these things take time. And to heal correctly will take longer than a quick band-aid. I understand that.

I need a sign. Something that tells me I’m different, set apart from the others. Something that tells me I’m worth it. Something that gives me hope & out of my head. Something that tells me we’re moving forward. I don’t need this huge gesture. Something small works. Just…something…

I feel like I’m trying all of these things to push us forward & I don’t know if it’s helping or hurting. Is it too much? Or is it not enough? I don’t know.

Here’s what I do know –

– I know I’m deeply insecure. Obviously, right? 😉 I mean, if I had any sense of security, I wouldn’t be in this mess.
– I know I’m being overly sensitive. Chalk it up to the meds & feeling sick.
– I know I’m feeling inadequate. This ties in a lot with my insecurity. I used to know where I stand & now I don’t. It’s the unknown that’s killing me.
– I know every time I bring it up, we have a mini fight. I hate that. I’m not trying to upset you or cause problems. My intent is to voice my concerns so that we can work it out. Instead, it’s becoming a match in the gas tank.
– I know I’m full of regret. Maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I can’t change the past. All I can do is work on my future.
– I know I wanna cut. Maybe that’ll silence the demons.

Ugh. I hate all of this.

I’m sure there’s an easy solution. Something like a good conversation & a warm hug. But that might not happen & if it does, it wouldn’t be for a while. So until then, I’m swimming in my head, doing laps around all of this. My mind won’t shut off. I keep going over & over things that were said and how deeply it cuts.

“So just stop.”

Hahaha! As if it were that easy. It doesn’t stop. Ever. The feelings of insecurity & inadequacy just build & keep building until it overflows & I fuck up. By working it out here, I’m trying to prevent doing all of that in person.

But things happen & I automatically assume the worse. I tried calling & it goes straight to voice mail. Great. I fucked up or you’re “busy.” Or maybe both. Who knows, right? I know I shouldn’t but that’s how my mind works. That’s why I’m taking medication & I’m in therapy. I am trying. Even if it doesn’t look like it.

God, I hate this so fucking much. It’s just constant torture & the pressure to do everything right to not fuck anything up. I’m under so much stress with this. I don’t know what’s going on or what’s gonna happen.

I wanna be this perfect & amazing person and I’m gloriously failing. Sigh. I don’t know what to do.

Meet me halfway. Please.

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