Trigger warning: Sigh…you know the drill…
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m beyond my wit’s end. There is only darkness.
I don’t feel like I deserve happiness. Everything’s been stripped away from me. I’m left standing here naked, vulnerable, & exposed.
I feel completely isolated & alone. It’s just me & my thoughts.
I wanna scream at the Universe to just finish me off already. This agonizing pain doesn’t ever stop. We’re working on 6 weeks of this. It’s a wonder how I’m not dead yet.
I don’t want to continue on. I’m TIRED of fighting. I’m TIRED of trying to be positive. I’m TIRED of hitting wall after wall. I’m TIRED of being forgotten. I don’t have any fight left in me. As I told my therapist, “I think I’m too chicken shit to pull the trigger but I wouldn’t necessarily stop anything from happening.”
Being really honest? I had this thought with my car accident yesterday, “God, it’s too bad it wasn’t more intense. Then maybe I wouldn’t be here.”
During my session with Dr. H yesterday (before the accident), she asked how I was doing. I told her the first week had been Hell but I felt like I was starting to come around (ha!). She was very serious & said, “I know. And I’m sorry to put you through that. My options were either aggressive medication or hospitalization.”
Well fuck. Maybe I am more fucked than I realized?
And maybe that’s why I’m so alone. I’m not high maintenance but maybe my friends don’t like maintaining me. It’s a lot of work to constantly check in & reassure me that I’m loved & it’s gonna be okay. I wouldn’t blame them if they were just done. It’s exhausting for them, right?
I’m taking little steps back every day. So far, no one has chased after me. Maybe that’s a sign to keep walking away. I’m not needed anymore. They’ve all moved on without me. I was just a temporary fix, an easy solution until they reached what they really wanted. A better friend, a new lover, a funnier coworker. Whatever it is, they’ve forgotten about me.
I can’t fight anymore. Don’t be angry with me, please.