Crash

I got into a car accident today. First one in 16 years. I’m physically okay and my car is going to the body shop. Everything is gonna be fine, right?

So why doesn’t it feel like it?

I was driving home from seeing Dr. H today when it happened. Fucking timing. Here I am saying how I’m starting to feel a little better and I’m control. And the Universe is like, “Ha! Watch this, Bish!”

Thankfully, I already had a Klonopin in my system. So for HOURS, I felt on the edge of a panic attack but I didn’t have one. I’m not sure if that’s a win or not. It was really rough.

I was shaking, sweating, and unable to focus on anything. The sound of the crash won’t stop playing in my head. My obsessive thoughts have completely taken over. Pandora’s mental box had opened. All this shit I was starting to get in control over? Nope. It’s all scattered again.

The best part? Once again, I’m alone. I called and messaged a few close friends. I told them what happened, how I was scared, & how I didn’t want to be alone. Nobody came. Nobody even asked if I could drive home or if I needed a ride. Once they heard I was “okay,” it was like I wasn’t a concern anymore.

And so I stood there by myself. I did everything I was supposed to do. I carefully drove home, walked inside, & laid on my couch. I felt defeated and just fucking done.

I feel like I took 2 steps forward and got bitch slapped back several steps. My friends are like, “It’s just a car. You’re okay.” But I’m not okay.

My car is my safe zone. I can either crank up the music or bawl my eyes out. It’s the only place where I can truly be me and feel safe.

And now, it’s at the body shop. My security blanket is gone and I’m trying to cope. What do I do now? Where do I go?

I’m just lost. And I feel like all progress I had made is gone. 😞

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