Cleaning house

I’ve had an internal switch go off. A little *click*. It’s a little hard to describe so I’ll do my best to explain how I feel.

Basically, I’m done.

As an All-or-Nothing person, once I’ve committed to something, I’m there. You don’t have to question it. Whether it’s positive or negative, my word is gold. SD knows this too well, much to his chagrin. LOL! 😉

Sunday really hit me how alone I am. I’m tired of reaching out in the darkness & finding nothing. All I get is disappointment & rejection. I’ve been in this darkness for 5 goddamn weeks. And during that time, I’ve had 4 friends consistently reach out to me. That’s it. As my therapist says, “quality over quantity” & I completely agree. I love them & would go to the ends of the Earth for them. My issue is that out of ALL THESE PEOPLE who say they love me & support me & they’re there for me, only 4 have actually followed through. The rest are in the wind.

Once it really hit me, I got pissed. I realized I’m spending my precious time trying to mend or maintain different relationships for no good fucking reason. Why do I bother? Why is my heart so tied up in these selfish assholes who haven’t taken 5 minutes out of their day to check in with me? They KNOW I’m going through Hell. They KNOW I’ve been suicidal. They KNOW I’ve been struggling hardcore. So it’s not like they’re in the dark. As I was telling Dr. G today, “They’ll ask me how I’m doing, I’ll tell them ‘shitty’, & then I get a ‘I’m sorry’ reply before hours or days of crickets.”

And you know what? I’m over it.

This isn’t like a, “I’m upset but I’ll move on” situation. No, this is different. I’m on just this side of going all scorched Earth on their asses. I’m fed up. Dr. G said today, “Some people are too wrapped up in their own world to notice anyone else” & she’s right. I’m jumping around like a goddamn monkey trying to get their attention & I don’t know why. They don’t care. They’re in their own world facing their own problems.

Once I realized all of this, it was like a little *click* went off. My switch towards fighting for our friendship shut off. I wish them well & I hope they have nothing but happiness on their journey. But I don’t want any part of it. As LC says, “You need to focus on your own health first.”

So I’m cleaning house. I’m not unfriending them, deleting their number, or anything vindictive like that. Like I said, I’m not going scorched Earth on them. But I’m done reaching out. I’m gonna let nature run its course. Vaya con Dios & all. My original plan was to try to make amends, to atone for past sins. And now? Now, I’m like, “Fuck it.”

“Art imitating life” or something, I started to get my physical house in order as well. I really cleaned my apartment, got some laundry going, & made a great dent in my overall environment. I do emotionally clean so maybe that’s why? 😉 I’m hoping I’ll finish today & get caught up on all the petty shit I need to do. If not today, definitely by tomorrow.

I’m gonna try to follow Dr. G & Dr. H’s advice & spend more time out in nature (since I love it so much). I need to get out of this funk. It’s been too damn long.

Holy fuck, YES! This is EXACTLY how I feel!