Trigger warning: I’m just gonna be honest, real, & raw. I have a lot of emotions I need to process.
I’m not doing well. Like not at all.
I tried to watch CSI & do some laundry last night. I’m at one of the season finales so it’s supposed to be intense, right? Ominous music, dark scenes, the works. And there I am: 0200 & crying. Weeping, really.
I went outside so I wouldn’t have to stifle it as much. I sat hunched over in one of my patio chairs. This is such a deep, deep pain. I feel completely alone. I just wanted to die. I had tried reaching out earlier & no one was there. I asked some friends if they wanted to go out & was turned down. So I think I’m done. I can’t depend on anyone. Everyone says they love you & support you but they’re all AWOL when I’m looking at a leather belt & wondering if the railing will hold my weight.
I’m trying to follow my safety plan. I am. But reaching out only works when someone is there. And this isn’t my “cry for help.” I’m honestly past all of that. I’m just now realizing how alone I actually am. Everyone’s got their own shit to deal with & as I was told, “I can’t deal with your shit as well.”
I was talking to SD last night/early this morning. By this time, I had cracked. He was tired, frustrated, stressed, & low as well. He made it clear how he felt about some things between us, things I’ve done or said, as well as how I’m making him feel. I can’t describe how hard it is to hear things about yourself. Things you know, don’t like, & what you’re trying to fix. Areas you’re failing in because it’s not right or you’re not doing it perfectly. Areas you’re struggling in hardcore. And then to have someone you care about to bring them up & hearing the frustration in their voice.
It all goes back to me feeling unappreciated & not good enough. Granted, this is something that’s been ingrained in me from my parents. We’re trying to work on it in therapy. Meanwhile, the rejection is still there. From my parents, from loved ones, from others. It doesn’t stop. It’s like I’m being told, “My love for you only goes so far.”
Of course, I haven’t been told that verbatim. No, I’ve been told: “I’m too tired.” “I don’t want to deal with this right now.” “You’re being overdramatic.” “Thanks but no thanks.” “I want to be alone.” “It’s too much right now.” “I don’t have time.” Or my favorite – silence.
Last week, I gave the opportunity to love on some friends. I think this week, I’m gonna make amends. Kinda like, “getting your house in order.” I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. I do know I’m alone on this journey. And if you’d like to join me, I’d love your company. You’re the only one I can be myself with.
I’m stumbling along & I feel judged for it. My mind isn’t right & hasn’t been for 5 weeks. I’m done with reaching out to others. They have my information. I think I just need to face facts – things have changed & I’m alone now. The question is do I keep fighting or calmly drop my weapons & let whatever happen happen?
I haven’t decided…