Holding on

I hate this.

My mind is in a fog. I can’t think straight & it’s frustrating as fuck. I’ve got at least 9 more days of this medication transition & it’s getting worse. I don’t know if I want to cry or scream. I feel trapped inside my mind. I’m not sleeping so I’m sure that would help. My vision has been shit & dyslexia has taken over. My memory, which used to be crazy strong, is shot. Doc says that’s common as well. So I literally feel like some fucking idiot who can’t think straight, see straight, or act straight. I’m sure my friends are tired of me saying the same shit over & over, but I can’t stop or I don’t remember saying anything to them.

It’s not as if I’m some drugged zombie because that would be wonderful. No, I’m fully aware & cognizant of all the effects. I understand that my body is trying to adjust to new meds & to recalibrate my fucked up serotonin levels. I understand that I was warned about this & told to use my *safety plan. I understand this is temporary but it feels like there’s no end in sight.

I’m freaking out because I feel completely out of control. And I don’t just mean physically. I’m obsessed with my relationship & because I’m not in control, I’m freaking out. Like OCD freaking out. Just typing it out to you is making me shake. I’m forgetting to take care of things around my house, with my jobs, or even with myself. And I can’t stop it. Like I said, it’s getting worse. I feel like I’m going crazy. Legit crazy.

I’m gonna take a Klonopin to calm down because my anxiety is going nuts.

I just have to hold on until it kicks in. Hold on, SC. Hold. On.

* We made a legit, typed up plan. It’s to help me when I feel powerless. 

EDIT: I had a small panic attack. I can’t do this. Somebody save me.