I know it’s from the meds. I know this. I know Dr. H warned me, “It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.” I know all of this. It’s supposed to bring me comfort & hope.
So why doesn’t it feel like it?
You know what it feels like? You know in cop shows when the person is gonna jump off a building & they land on that giant inflatable trampoline? And everyone claps because they’re saved but the jumper is still feeling defeated & like shit? Yeah. It’s like that. These meds are the giant inflatable trampoline & my friends are the ones in the crowd who are clapping & happy that I’m alive. I’m disappointed because I’m still here & I still feel like this.
I feel forgettable. Like my time is done & I’m just holding on for some stupid reason. He said everything is fine & we’re good. But I feel discarded, ignored, pushed aside. I can’t quite describe it. It’s just this feeling that he’s trying to move on. He doesn’t have time for me. He has new priorities & they’re not me. I feel like I’m competing for attention & I’m losing. 😦
Ahh…rejection. Such a motherfucker.
I wish it was a switch. I wouldn’t have to feel this much or this deeply. Just a simple *click* & my heart would shut off. I wouldn’t be afraid of being forgotten. I could just be amazing & supportive & happy.
But, alas, I can’t.
No, my heart is all tied up & I’m trying my damnest to sort through it all & give him what he wants. My needs, wants, desires are all on the back burner. My focus is purely on him. You would think that would fix it or help a little. And yet, it’s not working. At least, in my mind, it’s not. I feel like I should let go & fade away. Maybe that would be best.
Fuck. These meds have my head in a complete fog. I don’t know what to do. Am I that forgettable? Do I mean that little? Ugh. I can’t think. Maybe I’ll just curl up & cry. That’s all I have the energy for anyway.
Sigh…Please don’t forget about me…