“I’m Jewish”

I’m not really sure why they’re dancing with the Easter Bunny but their flying curls crack me up! Ha!

I had a nice little moment that I wanted to share with you. πŸ™‚

When I met with Dr. G (who I’m not sure if she is a doctor but again, for purposes of this blog, she is now πŸ˜› ), she asked me if I had any religious beliefs. I said I did & hesitated before I answered, “I’m Jewish.”

As you know, I’ve been hesitant because it doesn’t feel “real.” I guess if I had a dip in theΒ mikvah then it would? I’m not sure. It’s a constant struggle inside of me. To be quite honest, I feel lost. But again, you already knew all of this.

So I did answer but I did hesitate. I didn’t feel like I was lying but I wanted to say, “It’s complicated.” I felt like that would be a more honest answer. She did ask if I have a current temple & I said, “No,” which is true. There is one I’m interested in but I need to get my mental health on track first. Priorities & all. What good is a new temple if you’re dead? πŸ˜‰ See? I make jokes.

That was on Monday. It was in my mind as a confusing answer. I’m sure I’ll cover it at some point in therapy but for now, I don’t feel Jewish enough. Maybe the guilt alone is proof that I am? πŸ˜‰

Wednesday was when I met up with Dr. H to adjust my meds. She asked me, as Dr. G did if I had any religious preference. This time, though, I didn’t hesitate. πŸ™‚ I said, “Yes, I’m Jewish.” She asked if I had a temple & again “no” but “there is one I’m interested in.” She said that if religion was important to me, it would behoove me to go. I agreed & told her I would go soon.

Again, after I’m feeling a little more stable & after I transition over to these new meds. So far, I feel a little queasy & I’m tired – both symptoms that are completely normal & acceptable. It means it’s working, right?

I am in my head regarding a situation that happened tonight with SD but I’m trying really hard to not read into anything. Now isn’t the time, especially when my levels are off. I told him that we’re good & everything is fine. Because he knows me so well, he gave me a look like, “Yeah huh.” πŸ˜‰ I don’t want to fight about it so I’m trying to drop it & move on. I know I’m gonna be more sensitive to change right now & I don’t need to fuck up anything else.

I hate the unknown. I feel completely in the dark & like I have this teeny, tiny flashlight that barely works. All I can see is what’s immediately in front of me. The rest is black.

Blecch. I’ll get there. I know I will. It’ll just take me a while…

Today is Tu B’av – 15th day of Av, the day of love.


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