So the last few days have been interesting, to say the least. Shifting into this new area as well as actively working on my mental health. I do have several things that have fallen into the cracks. Some of them I know have fallen & I need to take care of. Others I’m watching them go & trying to decide if it’s worth it or not. I mostly find myself standing there, observing all of this, & asking myself G&R’s hook – “Where do we go now?”
I met up with *Dr. H today. My head is still pounding from the stress of opening up & revealing these demons. She was very kind, nonjudgmental, & wanted to help me. All things that are good, right? I could tell she wasn’t real thrilled about my situation. And again, not like she was judgmental but more concerned. I told her a little bit about how I’ve been feeling (depressed, anxious, suicidal). She asked how confident I felt about not committing suicide at this point. I thought “80%” but I lied & said, “85%.” She said that was low & that I was considered severe & critical. Whoops. She also said that she really wanted me to check into a hospital.
I made her a promise that in lieu of checking myself in, I would reach out to my support system (people like you) & let you know when things are bad. She didn’t seem too thrilled at that but she agreed only if I promised her to reach out immediately. I agreed.
We talked about the meds I’m on (Lexapro & Xanax) & how I felt like they’re not working anymore. The short version is that I’m right & they’re not. Basically, my body has adapted to having them & they’re not helping me anymore. They’re just…there. So we’re switching me over to Zoloft & Klonopin. Again, I’m sharing all of these personal & private details with you so that you can help me. I start transitioning over to the new meds tonight. It’ll take about 2 weeks total. She said during this time, “It’ll get worse before it gets better.” Yippee. She also told me to let my support system know to check on me more often, love me more, & show more support. We’re gonna try to do this carefully so I don’t have any massive drops in serotonin & off myself. I’m going to be more vulnerable as we switch over but hopefully, this, combined with therapy, will help me out.
So, I guess, that’s where we’re going right now. Switching over meds that will help me feel more human & make some real progress in my life. Wish me luck.
* Okay, so she’s a psychiatric nurse practitioner but she has the same initials as another friend. So for the purposes of this blog, she’s a doctor. Mazel tov! 😛