Cupcakes over cookies

I took a shower last night & I brushed my teeth. I know that doesn’t sound like much but for those of us with depression, that’s a huge fucking step. I forced myself to do the bare minimum with maintenance. It took everything I had & I was exhausted when I was done.

Pretty pathetic, right?

I still haven’t done my hair or makeup. I’m not ready. That & I’ll just cry it off anyway so it seems pretty useless at this point.

I’m up to losing 11 lbs in 2 weeks. It’s my red week so it’s possible it’s more than that. I’ve been vomiting & emptying out so I’ve given up on eating for now. To be honest, I’m not even hungry so it’s not a problem. My head is pounding, I’m shaky, & my vision is shit today. I’m sure that’s all related to not eating, though. I had a handful of pretzels to see how that sits.

I met with Dr. G today. She’s pretty cool. I totally cried & broke down talking about how fucked up I am. She wasn’t judgmental at all. She was genuinely concerned. She made eye contact with me. EYE. CONTACT. I know it’s her job but I miss that undivided attention on me. When I talk to anyone lately, they can’t seem to be pulled away from their phones or they’re looking around the room. I feel like I’m distracting them from something else. Like they want to be elsewhere but are stuck with me. I’ll end up sinking my head down & slithering away.

It was a good session. Our first one so it was a lot of setting up a foundation & answering her assessment. I was answering “daily” on almost all of her questions. Questions like, “How often do you think about suicide?” or “How often do you feel worthless?” She gave me some homework & we set up our next appointment for Mon. I’m also gonna see about getting my meds tweaked on Mon as well so that should help.

I’ve been feeling very inadequate & insecure today. And not just from therapy. That just made me feel more guilty & ashamed for voicing out the thoughts that are in my head. No, this is more like, “Meh. You’re okay. Not quite good enough but I guess you’ll do.”  Kinda like when you really want a cupcake but they’re out of your favorite so you get a cookie instead? Like that. I’m the forgotten cookie. I don’t quite hit your craving but I’ll work in a pinch.

And it doesn’t seem to matter that I’m the Giving Tree of cookies. I’m not the cupcake. That’s all there is to it. And it doesn’t matter what how sweet or tasty I am. You want the silky frosting & bright sprinkles. I get it. So you pull out your wallet & think, “I guess I’ll just get the cookie.” You’re disappointed & trying to make peace with your decision.

That tug you feel inside right now? Yeah. That’s exactly how I feel. Feels like rejection, right? Ugh.

If this isn’t me, I don’t know what is: