Unworthy

Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy of happiness? Or is my time for that gone?

I’ve been trying to focus and please others. Whatever they want, I’ll do it. Whatever will make them happy, I’ll do it. I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and energy into giving them exactly what they need. I’m trying to look all dolled up and be put together. See? I did my hair exactly how you like and I wore one of your favorite tops. I’m the perfect package!

…If only they’d notice…

It’s been very stressful to put it lightly. So much so I feel like I’m popping Xanax like candy. I’ve been having panic attacks and crying a lot. More than they know. I’m doing my best to be the best but I feel like I keep coming up short. I don’t get it. Just tell me how to fix it.

It hit me tonight that I need to see a doctor again. Maybe my meds aren’t strong enough anymore. I shouldn’t be needing this much assistance. I’m usually stronger than this. I’m not the one to be this derailed this easily. What’s going on with me?

I’ve been very depressed, very anxious, and very suicidal. I have a minimal amount of hope left. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t say that to glorify death. I say that so if I’m gone, you know how long I held on. Right now, I feel like I’m grasping straws.

To give you an idea, I can’t see into next month. To me, there is only darkness. I’m making a lot of stupid, reckless decisions with no remorse. I’m walking a dangerous line with the secret hope that I fall over.

My weekend has been absolute hell. I felt completely discarded & forgotten. I’m no longer a vital relationship. There’s a definite shift. No, now I’m the help. “SC can handle this, right?” Sigh. Sure. Because I love you & I’m clearly a masochist, I’ll do it. I will put all others aside for you & make you a priority.

I wanted to cut myself in the kitchen and just bleed out. I’ve given so much of myself. Why not just give it all? Why not just be done? Not quite the way I imagined but maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a ghost.

I wanted tonight to be different. I prayed for some small glimmer of hope. Maybe things would turn around? Maybe they would see me for me? Maybe they would be gentle with my heart? I hung my hopes up on maybes. Goddammit, why do I do that? I had this whole wonderful fantasy in my head. Greeted with a hug and a kiss. Big smiles and big love. Sadly, that did not happen.

Exhibit A:

I was just trying to talk to someone tonight. No pressure, right? Wrong. I could feel their annoyances, their distance, and their lack of patience. It was like no matter what I said or did, I was fucking it up. I finally just broke down and gave up trying. I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? Aren’t I giving them exactly what they wanted? Why are they so upset with me?

I kept it together until I got to my car. I sat there and cried. I secretly wanted them to come out and see me but nothing happened. They were moving on and going to bed.

I was alone in the dark. Crying in my car. Like some fucking idiot.

I’m always alone. Why am I even surprised by it?

I’m failing hard no matter what I’m doing. I can feel them drifting away and I can’t stop it. Am I being selfish for wanting to share their happiness?

What’s so wrong with me? What is it about me that makes people drop me when someone or something else comes along? I’ve heard it over and over, “I’m here.” “I’ll never leave you.” “You can count on me.” Fucking crickets.

And for once, could someone ask me how I’m doing and just listen? I don’t need to hear a bunch of excuses on how my feelings aren’t valid right now. Funnily enough, I have several relationships right now where I’m just told repeatedly to wait. “Can we talk about this later?” “I don’t have time right now.” “Maybe you should just see a doctor instead.” “I’m kinda busy right now. Can you just send me a message?”

They say to reach out when you need help. They also say the ones who reach out are most likely at their wit’s end. I’m trying to be brave and reach out and my hands are being pushed away.

If my own “friends” won’t listen, who will?

This is a deep rejection because it’s not just one person. So that tells me that the issue is me. Am I the cancer in their lives? Are they trying to cut me out? Do they ask themselves, ‘Ugh, why won’t she just die?'”

I don’t feel worthy of love anymore. I feel like an inconvenience in their lives. They all seem happier without me. I don’t think they’ve even seen how I’m slowly dying in pain. Every day, the light gets a little bit more dim. Just as long as they’re happy, right?

I’m killing myself for them and no one has noticed. Maybe it’s best if I just stopped everything. If they want me for me, they can come to me.

But what happens when no one comes? Then what? Maybe then, that’s when I’ll go. I don’t know. I don’t have it all figured out quite yet. At least for now, I have time. Like I said, it’s not like anyone has noticed…

4 Replies to “Unworthy”

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