Coulda woulda shoulda

My mind has been whirling all weekend. Even though it’s Shabbat, I’ve been stress cleaning. I have been since Thursday. And no shocker, I’ve run out of things to clean. Now my internal dialogue is getting louder & I can’t deafen it.

Maybe if I did things differently. Maybe if I had made my priority an actual priority. Maybe if I had focus and determination and follow through like how I wanted. Maybe if I was like this person, or like that person, or just completely different entirely. Maybe if I had the willpower like AB or the positivity like JM or the unconditional love like SD. Maybe if I didn’t have depression or anxiety. Maybe things would be different. Good different. Maybe then I wouldn’t be dealing with this.

But I can’t do anything about the past. What’s done is done. All I can do is work hard to give myself and my loved ones a better future. That’s it. That’s supposed to be encouraging for me but it still fills me with regret.

I think it’s because I’m realizing some personal patterns and habits I need to break. I need to make some serious changes while I still have a chance. Life is short. Anyone who’s experienced death will tell you it’s too short.

The road in front of me is wide open. I just need to take that first step. I can write my own future. But what do I write? What do I say? What do I do?

I honestly don’t know. I just know to take it one day at a time and to hope for the best.

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