Broken again

Disclaimer: I’m feeling very low & suicidal. There’s your trigger warning.

I can’t keep doing this.

I don’t want to live. I’m so tired of these leftover pieces getting broken again & again.

Why do I care so much? Why do I love so much?

I wish I could switch it off. Maybe then I would be angry or annoyed like they are instead of this weepy mess. They’ve had time to process; I haven’t.

I didn’t take my meds because I want to take the whole bottle. I have other meds that I could take with mine that have a deadly side effect & I’m honestly playing with the idea. Maybe if I was just hospitalized I would be seen & heard. Maybe then they would care. Maybe then I would have a say in this relationship. Maybe then they would see me.

I’m trying really hard to not go grab a knife when everything in me is screaming to do it. Maybe I can carve out my heart so it stops hurting. Then will the pain stop? Or maybe I can cut off the pieces they don’t like. Would that work? Would that make them happy? If I was smaller? If all of my flaws were gone, would they like me?

Do I mean that little to them? The sparkle in their eyes is gone. They used to light up when they saw me. Now they won’t look at me in the eye. They physically pull away from me when I get close. I can hear it in their voice how I’m frustrating them. What have I done wrong? Goddammit, I’m trying.

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t…

I’m tired of being so broken by loved ones. I’m tired of being tossed aside when something better comes along or because their S.O. is jealous. I’m tired of giving my best & being told it’s not good enough. I’m tired of loving others with my whole being, sharing intimate parts of who I am, sharing my fears & dreams only to have it discarded or forgotten.

I’m tired of this life. I don’t want to live in this world anymore.

Would anyone notice me if I was gone? Am I that forgettable? Have I made an impact in their lives at all or am I just someone who works “for now?” Am I just someone to “kill time with?”

My chest hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I fucking hate this.

Fuck this world. I’m done with it.

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