♪ Ch-ch-changes! ♪

I’m a firm believer in constantly improving myself. If we don’t push ourselves forward, we become stagnant & out of touch. It makes me think of the stereotypical middle-aged parents who try to connect with their teens by using out of date lingo or current lingo in the wrong context. For example, “Mathematics is on fleek!” What are you doing? Just no. Stop. 😉

In an effort to not be THAT GUY, I like to go through the seven main areas of my life & reevaluate my goals. On a scale of 1-10, where do I fall? Am I on track to where I want to go? What areas have I slacked off in? What challenges do I need to face? What changes do I need to make to advance my goals? And so on & so forth.

I wish I could say it gets easier to bare my soul but it doesn’t. The reason I do it is to keep myself accountable. Even if no one reads this post, I know it’s out there & it helps me stay focused. Still, though. Confessing how I honestly feel about various areas of my life is difficult at best. I thank you for not judging me for where I’m at or for repeatedly starting over. I am aware of my pitfalls. 😉

Without further ado, my personal evaluation & my plan for advancement:

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL: 3
MENTAL: 7
PHYSICAL: 1
SOCIAL: 6
CAREER: 2
FINANCIAL: 7
FAMILY: 8

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 3

• I’m weak spiritually & I can tell. A lot of it is this ongoing shift inside of me. What do I actually believe in? What do I think is unnecessary fluff? I’ve started praying again which is an improvement from where I was but I’m not sure of what to say. I feel lost & uncertain like I’m shipwrecked in this spiritual sea & I’m floating on some driftwood. I wish I had some liferaft to save me without preaching at me & causing me to drown… Does any of this make sense to you?
• I’m trying to make my own version of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs regarding my spirituality. What I mean by that is I’m trying to establish & cover my basics first before I branch out into other areas. Things I use to die-hard believed in, I’m questioning. And I think that’s good. We should challenge our beliefs instead of blindly following. So maybe this area isn’t as bad as I feel? Who knows. It’s all confusing. If you have any insight, please let me know.

MENTAL: 7

• I’m feeling pretty strong here. I haven’t had a really low day in a while, nor have I felt like I wanted to cut or have an attack. I’m still sad about my dream the other day but I’m working hard to not let it sweep the rug out from underneath me. I know it was a dream. I KNOW. But it felt real & that’s what’s making it difficult.
• I’ve been working on my new planner & setting up some long-term goals. I think it’s really helping me to understand that there’s still a chance for me to succeed. There’s still hope for me & that’s been the biggest obstacle I’ve been trying to wrap my head around. I can only work on it for a little while at one time & then I need a breather. It feels too much, overwhelming really. For someone who was suicidal & didn’t believe she would make it to 34, to be 35 & setting goals is a huge accomplishment in & of itself. I’m on my own timeframe so it’ll get done when it’s done. 🙂

PHYSICAL: 1

• Not too surprising but we both knew this. I hate the way I look & feel. I was trying to listen to positive body affirmations & I wanted to cringe & change it. I didn’t but just listening to it made me wildly uncomfortable. It’s hard to describe how I feel. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Like I know this isn’t the real me. She’s deep inside & wants to come out. This is just a shell of how my mental disorders took over my physical body. The real me is trapped under their tar-like grasps. It’s a lot of work to break free.
• I decided to take it easy by carefully shifting into a healthier lifestyle. This is a major & touchy area for me. I know me. I KNOW. I know if I try to do it all at once, I mentally shut down & that’s it for several weeks. I have several friends who have all recommended various boot camps for me (which internally stings) & I can’t do any of them. I can’t sign up. I can’t show up. I’m paralyzed before I begin. And I know that this is mostly a mental battle for me. So, because of all of that, I have to go at my own pace. I restarted my journey last week & I told myself to take it slow. I went to yoga once & I ate pretty damn clean all week. I dropped a pound which is great! I’m gonna stay at this pace until I gain some good momentum & mental strength to move forward. I want to go back to lifting weights tonight so that’s my simple plan. Wish me luck.

SOCIAL: 6

• I feel like this area is okay. My closest & best friends I see on a fairly regular schedule. There is someone that I wish I could see more of but our schedules are off during the summer. It sucks but we know that’s how it goes for now.
• I do have other friends I would love to meet up with but I’ve learned my lesson. The only way that will happen is if I pursue them, I set something up, & I hold my breath to see if they show up. And you know what? I’m done with that. If you really want to spend time with me, I would love to make it work & I’ll show up on time. This “20 minutes late” & “last minute canceling” bullshit? No. I’m done. Vaya con Dios.

CAREER: 2

• I’m really stressed about this. Job #1 is fine. Job #2 is uncertain which is stressful. I mean, I know I’ve got a job but I have no idea what I’m teaching or when or for how long or even what my pay will be. So that’s fun. Job #3 didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I did a great job at the interview & the mock class. Boss #3 loved me but instead of offering me the position I was applying for, she offered me a sub position. I guess that’s fine, but again, not what I was hoping for. I emailed her & asked her if there was a reason why I didn’t hear back & bupkis. I also applied to Job #4 for a teaching position & more bupkis. So my ego & self-esteem are really low right now.
• I’m trying to remain positive & to keep my options open. I told myself if I only teach 1 class at #2 (which is my plan if I stay there) & sub at #3, that’s okay. It’s okay to have an “easy” year. As you can tell, I’m used to being absurdly busy so when it looks like I’m not going to be, it’s difficult. I’m not sure what to do with my time.

FINANCIAL: 7

• Another area I’m feeling pretty good in. I’d be lying if I admitted I wasn’t concerned with how my pay will take a hit with not teaching as much. But for now, I think it’s okay.
• I want to keep saving to pay off this last card & then to flood my savings so that I can buy a house someday. I do have a goal of doubling my savings by my birthday so here’s hoping I can get it done!

FAMILY: 8

• I feel good here. There isn’t any drama going around. I’m easily stomping out some minor fires (see below). Things are okay. 🙂
• My dad is coming into town this weekend to visit. My mom has already called me 3x within 2 days which is obnoxious. Sigh. “Just so you know, your father had surgery so he can’t walk around as much. You can call me back for more help with planning your trip.” OMG woman. I don’t need your help. I’m aware of Dad’s surgery. I’m not a dick. She still views me as this little kid who can’t function without her. It’s draining. I still need to call her back & set her (nicely) in place.

And there you have it. Those are my personal evaluations of my life. I do apologize for the extra long post today but you know how I am about details. 😉

What about you? What areas are you working on?