Okay, I have to say it’s really fucking annoying when I’m trying to find a nice, no or low makeup picture & it’s all white, blonde women. Wtf. Where are all the people of color? I had to search several pages to find this gorgeous pic of Gabrielle Union. And she looks amazing. ❤ Also, there’s a lot of porn out there LOL
For the past week or so, I’ve worn very little to no makeup. That’s unheard of for me. I don’t usually do a full face every day but I do “most” of it. I hate leaving the house without makeup. It’s just how I am.
During recital, I looked around & realized how many of my beautiful coworkers don’t wear makeup or they wear very little. They were rocking the natural look! Then I started to wonder why I don’t. My BARE MINIMUM is usually some kind of moisturizer, foundation, blush, mascara, & tinted chapstick. It only takes a few minutes & I think it helps pull me together. I don’t quite look like I live under a rock. 😉 But, like I said, lately I’m not even doing that. My hair is staying pulled back into a messy bun, my face will have some moisturizer, & I’m done. Partly is because it’s hotter than Satan’s ass crack outside. But it’s also because I realized my “why” – why do I have this compulsion to put something on my face before I head out the door?
And my answer is, “To hide.”
I want to hide my pain, my scars, my deep wounds. I want to pretend that everything is fine & dandy. I want to cover up my dark circles so you don’t know I was up for hours crying. I want to tint my lips so you can’t tell I bit them so hard out of pain that they bled. I want to color my cheeks so my face looks alive & refreshed and not that I feel cold inside. I want to add mascara to open up my eyes so you can’t tell how exhausted & worn out I am.
And I’m honestly not sure what pushed me to this point but I don’t think I care anymore. I didn’t leave the house at all today (work from home – remember?) & that was awesome. And if I had to make a few quick trips, I’m not sure I would even bother with makeup. This isn’t a feminist thing; it’s a SC thing.
I’m realizing that it’s okay to show others that I’m human. It’s Thursday evening & I think I only wore makeup twice this week – both times it was my minimal amount. I survived. No one called me the Creature From the Black Lagoon. Children didn’t run away & scream. Nobody fainted at the sight of me.
It. Was. Okay.
I think this is a good sign. I’m becoming more comfortable in who I am. I’m realizing all of my broken pieces create this beautiful kaleidoscope. There are plenty of other facets of my life that I hide because I’m not ready to show them & that’s okay. These things take time. I mean, shit, it took me YEARS to get to this point.
I will get through this & make it to the other side as the victorious badass motherfucker that I am!
And this step of being real & showing my true self is cause for celebration. 🙂