It’s recital week.
I woke up with chest pains & my left eye hasn’t stopped twitching. I fucking hate stress. And it doesn’t have to be this stressful or this much work. I think it’s the constant micro-managing & redundant work that’s getting to me. I’m really trying hard not to snap.
Just make it through the week, SC, & then you can walk away…
The “week” (it’s more like 7-10 days, TBH) kicked off for me late last week, hence why I’ve been quiet. And how do I cope? The same I do every year – alcohol &/or Xanax.
I’ve been drinking a lot lately. I’m not one of these “fuzzy navel” girls & then I wanna drunkenly dance in some club. I’m a “few fingers of whiskey (lately, Jack Daniels) & Diet Coke. Short, please.” I’ll quietly put away a few until I can feel myself relax a bit. What was once a week is now becoming almost every day.
It’s not healthy but I’m honest. I guess I could have a worse vice to get me through. And to be fair, I’m not shooting up a speedball while chugging a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue or something. 😉 But it is something I’m aware of. I know my drinking is getting out of control (by my definition). I know it’s a slippery slope for me. I know who I used to be with alcohol & that’s not a pretty picture. That’s in my very dark past & I’d like to keep it there.
I’m trying to tell myself that this isn’t characteristic of me. I always drink a lot more around recital time. I’m being smart with it, as in I’m not driving drunk nor am I drinking in front of parents & students.
So what is causing me to self-medicate?
I know what the issue is. At the heart of it all, as much as I love my job & my students, this amount of stress & drama isn’t healthy. And it’s not dance in general because I’ve worked for other studios who were super laid back. This is Boss #2. She’s not malicious but she does create drama everywhere she goes. There are no rules as there are exceptions to everything. A simple “yes” or “no” doesn’t exist. Things change daily & sometimes hourly. It’s pure chaos.
And I think it’s all of that of why I’m so fucking stressed. It’s a lot to remember, balance, & maintain. I feel like I fuck it up all the time.
Sigh. I can’t keep living like this.
A change is gonna come…