In an effort to deal with & confront some of my issues & fears, I decided to work them out here. This has been good therapy for me so I’m gonna continue to do so. And hey, if it helps you out as well, let me know.
Quick recap: I totally struggle with Impostor Syndrome. I feel like a fake & that I have no idea what I’m doing. Even with this blog, which is just me talking to you. No pressure whatsoever. However, I feel like everyone else is pulled together & I’m floating through life hoping no one notices I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t feel qualified to do my job & I’m scared someone will figure that out & I’ll be fired or something.
It’s not rational but it is a very real fear of mine. I think it has to do with a lot of rejection in my childhood that my best wasn’t good enough & thus formed this belief. So at 35 years old, you can imagine how this has affected my life. Usually, it manifests via anxiety & depression. If my anxiety gets really bad, tunnel vision & dyslexia start to kick in which is never fun. I hated reading aloud in school. It was a bitch.
Back to current day…
My day-to-day life is fine. Small tasks are small potatoes. But goals that I have or people that I admire? I’m terrified. I want to be like them & impress them but I feel like I can’t. I think that’s why I have so many problems with achieving my goals. I feel …unworthy? if that makes sense. I can’t quite describe it. Like I’m trying to play in the big leagues & I’m not qualified to even be in the room. I can’t even “fake it til I make it” because I don’t believe it. It’s crippling.
And that’s pretty much how I feel about anything & everything. It’s not fun. It baffles my mind that anyone could enjoy my company or be attracted to me. Like, why me?
I’ve talked to a few friends about it. I asked DD if they could change anything about me what would it be & they said impostor syndrome. MM told me to just personify these people I idolize & realize they have issues as well. Well, maybe not in so many words. He actually said, “SC, everybody poops. Including them.” But I know what he meant. 😉
Even talking to you about this is making my anxiety levels rise. I’m starting to shake & all I’m doing is typing. So please don’t ever belittle someone’s fears. To us, it’s very real.
I’m working on realizing that everyone has fears and worries and concerns. And hey, everybody poops. 🙂 My cousin, JM, once told me, “One of the best pieces of advice I received was that no one knows what they’re doing. We’re all just faking it & hoping to get by.”
Being a Type A perfectionist (ISFJ for those who use Myers-Briggs), I CAN’T fake it. I need authenticity with all of its flaws. Whether with myself or in my relationships, I don’t play games. I want you to be real. I want to see the real, broken you & not the “all-put-together” mask you put on for others. I think that’s why I’m so raw & real here with you. It’s safe. I can let my guard down. I can tell you that I have no idea what I’m doing & I’m afraid of that.
I’m going to try to take MM & DD’s advice. I’m not sure how to start but I’ll take a step forward to realize we’re all doing the best we know how. Sure, some of us are more experienced than others, but we’re all on the same team.
I can do this. *deep breath*
I can do this.