Quick mythology lesson: Janus is the Roman god of beginnings & endings. He has two faces since he’s looking at both the past & the future.
However, in my situation, I feel like Janus is an appropriate nickname for my boss. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to drag her name through the mud. You know how I try very hard to not mention any work stuff here. I try to keep it strictly personal. But I’m very frustrated & feeling very ignored so today is gonna be a little different from the norm.
I think she means well. I really do. She’s not malicious by any means. She wants to be everyone’s friend which doesn’t really work when you’re the boss. Because she craves others’ acceptance & friendship, she’ll be whatever you need from her AT THAT TIME. So what’s my deal? I’m finding myself seeing both faces & it’s pissing me off.
One prime example is a former work best friend spread a bunch of shit about me at work, caused a lot of drama, got me fired from a separate job, & so on. It’s a giant clusterfuck & I’ve done nothing wrong. Janus, as I’m calling her, totally heard me out & sounded like she was on my side….only to hear that she’s been doing the same to this other girl. Sigh. Look, I don’t NEED her to choose a side. It’s ridiculous & it needs to stop. I went to her as a boss to help cauterize this wound since she had to deal with both us & so we can continue to be professionals. This former friend’s solution was to quit. Twice. Both times right before recital. And for some reason, Janus will still accept her back. *eye roll* Does integrity mean nothing anymore? It’s not like I can confront Janus because she’ll just show whatever face at that time. She’ll say whatever she needs to in order for me to feel like she’s feigned some interest.
See my frustration?
Ergo, I can’t trust her & I’m very paranoid about her actions. Today, I went into the studio to sub for AE’s class. Janus pulled me into her office before class & wanted to “talk.” Not about anything in particular. Just to chat. I’m not really sure why so I kept it very artificial & topical. She was getting all giddy & excited about LC coming back to teach but doesn’t ask about my classes. And while no one will love & support LC like I do, it’s a painful twinge in my side. And it’s nothing to do with LC or AE or anyone else. It’s the fact I feel like a temporary fix.
I’m really tired of feeling glossed over. I go to all the meetings, hand in all my paperwork at least a week before it’s due, make sure my students are clean & ready for recital, & help out wherever I can (& within reason but that’s a whole other issue). There are those who haven’t done shit all year & will barely get to recital by the skin of their teeth. True to form, they will have all the classes & times they want. Janus will give me like 2 classes I want (even though I’ve specifically requested 3-5 by name) & then a handful of shit classes.
KL went into her office today to quit. Just to clarify – she’ll finish out the year but won’t renew her contract. She said Janus begged her to stay next year to teach a certain class. KL is amazing & talented, just like LC, AE, BS, & so on. Here’s my fear – I could go in & quit but I really doubt she would fight for me. I think she would be upset to lose me as a cleaner but not as a person or as an instructor. And that’s where it hurts.
And why do I think this? Because I quit a few years ago & the same thing happened. She easily found replacements & it wasn’t a problem that I was gone. I wasn’t missed. Maybe by a couple of students but that was it. It was like all of this curriculum & program I help build was for nothing. Now, I’ve been back (I believe this is my 3rd season back) & I feel I’m right where I was 5 years ago. Do I quit? Do I continue? What’s the point anymore?
I’m playing with the idea of applying elsewhere. I don’t feel needed or appreciated. And I’m not the type who needs or wants a spotlight. SOME recognition that I’m valued would be great. I don’t like being so versatile that it makes me replaceable. I have my strengths, I play them, & Janus doesn’t seem to care or be impressed. But maybe that’s just the face I see…
finding my truth 