Today was one of those days where I had no idea how I got through it.
I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, cry all day, & be left alone. Unfortunately, that isn’t possible. Life still moves on regardless of how I’m feeling. It’s Monday which means it’s a long & usually draining day for me. My day job is crazy busy because it’s Monday & then I teach all night. On a normal day, it’s mentally exhausting. It’s not that my job is difficult. More like it takes a lot of energy. So on a low day, it’s hell.
I woke up & I immediately wanted to shut my alarm off & go back to bed. I felt like I barely slept. My FitBit said it was around 8 hours which is about normal for me. I should be fine but I’m not. From the second I opened my eyes, I felt defeated. My chest was hurting a little & I didn’t know how I was going to do today. I tried to move on but my chest pains kept getting stronger & the cloud over me got darker. Especially after my boss had snapped at me.
At one point, I was driving home from running an errand & I thought I was going to have a panic attack. What was I so worked up over? I was going HOME. I still don’t know what caused my anxiety to spike like that. I stayed on top of it & focused on my surroundings & my breathing until I got home. I took a Xanax to help put a cap on it & I went to class.
My classes were generally pretty good. Sometimes, I find myself caring more about their performance & technique than the students or their parents do which is difficult. Of course, not every student is like that. Most fall in the average category & they’re doing their best. You always have a few who are shining stars & you’re trying to make sure they’re challenged. But I’m talking about the ones on the low end. Why do I want them to succeed more than they do? They clearly don’t care to be there. Put them in a different sport. It’s exhausting to try to work on them & they’re just these blobs who don’t give a fuck. Am I even making a difference in their lives?
And now, here I am. At home, at my desk, & talking to you. It’s days like today that no one really has any idea how hard I struggled to get through this shitty-ass day. I didn’t cut. I didn’t eat my feelings. I didn’t engage in any other self-destructive tendencies. I’m counting today as a small win.
They say to find something every day you’re grateful for. Today, I’m grateful for making it through to the night. I think I’m gonna call it a day & hope for a better tomorrow.
finding my truth 