I went out last night with some friends. We had some laughs, had some drinks, & had a great time. I put on my “Happy SC” mask & stuffed the pain down. With every Old Fashioned I drank, I prayed the ache would fade away. Just slightly would be amazing. After 5 of them, I realized it wasn’t gonna happen. Not even a little bit.
Clearly, I still have this person floating around in my mind.
CR said it best, “Friend breakups are WAY WORSE than romantic breakups.” I think that’s really true. Well, at least it is for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve & when I get to know someone, I give them a piece of me. So I guess that’s why it hurts so much. It feels like a small part of me died.
Anyway, I’m trying my best to pick up the pieces & to keep myself distracted. Eventually, I’ll have to move on like I have many, many times before but I’m not ready for that yet. And I probably won’t be for a while. Baby steps.
So today, I went to the gym. I wanted to drown out my thoughts with the free weights. It hit me that I’m at that point again. I can’t remember when (maybe here?) I first mentioned to you when I became obsessed with working out.
A quick recap: in high school, I was in dance, cheerleading, & weightlifting. I was also doing some Jane Fonda or Tamilee Webb (Hello, 90s!) workout video at home. I couldn’t get enough. On the low end, I was easily doing “two-a-days” 7 days a week. I told my parents that I was cross-training for dance so they didn’t ask questions & left me to it. In reality, I needed to silence the noise that was in my head. I wasn’t eating as much (very little, actually), dropped a bunch of weight, toned up beautifully, & got the attention I so desperately needed from others. It worked.
I finished my set & was walking away when I had the thought, “Okay, what time should I come back later today?” That’s when I realized I’m right back in that same mental place I was nearly 20 years ago. My appetite is decreasing & my desire to exercise is exponentially increasing. I need to power through & not think about anything else. It’s this deep drive inside of me to go to the point of exhaustion. I didn’t say it was healthy but that’s where I am.
I’m already making plans to go tomorrow. Pop in my earbuds, listen to a playlist, & just go. I didn’t go back to the gym today & I was beating myself up about it. Instead, I went to the park & did some reading in the sun. I finished a book I started a few days ago so that’s good. It’s harder to distract myself with a book because my mind will start to wander off. The author will say some line or phrase & my mind is like, “Oh, that reminds me of so-&-so! Yeah! And this situation! And…oh look. There they are. Yay…”
I wonder if I’ve even crossed their mind. Or are they perfectly fine & moved on with life? Do I mean that little?
Or maybe they’re trying to stay distracted as well…