Crushed

I’m going to be vague today because I honestly don’t know if this person reads my blog or not. I don’t want to hurt them. Not at all. I need to work all of this out before I do something destructive so bear with me. Fair warning: I’m going to be raw & real. Skip on over to one of my happier posts if it’s not your bag. I get it. Not everyone can handle it.

Wow.

I feel completely blindsided.

I just had a friend write me off. Nicely but still. It really fucking hurts.

And I understand their position. I don’t agree with it but I understand it. I’ve heard it before. Several times, in fact. The gist is they can’t be my friend because they’re married. It makes me sound like some homewrecker, some cheap whore. That I only think with lady bits or I’m some black widow.

Here I am thinking I have a real friend, someone who’s starting to get me, to understand me. This person isn’t judgmental but is full of love. Do you know how rare that is? Whether they know it or not, I felt like they were helping me on my spiritual journey. I was trying to build rapport before jumping into a serious topic like religion.

God, this would be easier if they were a dick. But of course, they’re not. They’re very sweet & considerate. You bastard. *smirks*

And now it’s gone. Because I have a vagina & I guess that’s a threat. Regardless of my sexuality.

And before you ask, I am attracted to them (um I have eyes) but I don’t act on it. To assume I would is to assume I have no self-control. I’m not gonna go give them a lap dance or something. I know where the lines are. Besides, I’m pretty sure it’s one-sided & I don’t need that rejection either.

Sigh, I feel like I can’t win. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I can’t stop crying. I’ve reread the conversation I’ve had with them these past few days. Where did I screw up? What did I say that was wrong? What pushed them over the edge?

I want to cut. I want to feel the cool blade cut deep into my skin. I want to feel the warm blood slowly flowing out, watching it drip off of me.

Goddammit. I hate this pain.

Why does my heart get so wrapped up in people? Why can’t I just be cold, calloused, & walk away? Why do I care so much?

I’m absolutely stunned. And yet, I can’t hate them. I still love them (as a friend). I still want them to succeed. I still want them to be happy. Even if it means I’m out of their life. I have to hope things will change & we can be friends but I doubt it. They seem firm in their decision.

I’m crushed. Wholly & completely.

I can’t justify my actions to them or to their spouse. It will always be their word against mine. They’re a team & I’m an interference. I’m the obstacle in their path. Regardless of my intentions.

I don’t want to eat or talk to anyone. I can’t.

I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

Why does this keep happening to me?