The worst date I had with a blonde

A friend of mine recently had a 20-year high school reunion. She ended up talking & hitting things off with an old high school crush. One thing led to another… & I couldn’t be happier for her. Go you! *high five*

The more I think about it, the more I believe that’s everyone’s fantasy: to hook up with an old crush. I mean, 16-year-old me is dying to know what they’re like, what they like, how they kiss, & so on. Thirty-five-year-old me dances that fine line of thinking, “I’ll be the best you’ve ever had” to “Oh God, I hope they’re not terrible…Oh God, I hope they don’t think I’M terrible!” Thanks, Anxiety! *thumbs up* So the fact my friend said, “Fuck it” & went for it? That’s just awesome.

I started to think about old crushes & I definitely have a type. I tend to go for intelligent & athletic with brown hair. Nothing against redheads or blondes, I just haven’t had much luck. In fact, some of my worse experiences have been with blondes. I have some shitty stories & maybe someday I’ll tell you some of them. But even with all of those, “John” (as I’ll call him) takes the motherfucking cake.

Get this:

Okay, so about 20 years ago, I worked as a cashier with John. We would flirt & have a good time. He had baby blue eyes & a killer smile. Smiles get me every time. If I can make you smile, or even better – laugh, I’m weak. There’s nothing sexier to me than an honest laugh with a huge-ass smile. We would laugh & get in trouble for talking so much. But I couldn’t help it. He was easy to talk to & he would always smile at me. Again, 16-year-old me was weak.

Bush league, brah. 😉

But John didn’t “fit” my type. He was blonde. And on top of that, he had blonde highlights. So extra blonde. 😉 To this day, I don’t understand why people do that but to each their own. He was tan, wore a puka shell necklace (that dates me right there), polo shirts & cargo shorts from Abercrombie, & perfectly white K-Swiss shoes. The guys I went after were highly intelligent jocks, who usually wore t-shirts & jeans. And I don’t just mean book smart. They were familiar with current events & had some savviness to them. I could make a “smart joke” around them & they would get it. John was not like that. He was definitely a pretty boy & that’s all he had going for him. I don’t think he wasn’t an absolute idiot when it came to schooling but OMG. Just clueless about anything else in life. Literally ANYTHING ELSE. Simple things were over his head, like how to treat a young lady on a date…

After a few months of flirting, we finally decide to go out on a date. We double dated & it was terrible. Correction: the date itself was fine. John was terrible. He talked about Britney Spears NON-STOP. Look, I love Godney as much as the next person. But if I’m on a date, I’m gonna want to know about YOU & not talk about how hot she looked in her last video. He never talked to me about me. Not one time. I remember I made some snide comment like, “It sounds like you’d rather be with Britney right now than me.” Do you know what his dumbass said? “OMG that would be awesome! She’s so hot!” I couldn’t tell if he was trying to make me jealous or if he was that dumb. I’m going with dumb.

Oy.

I was young so I stuck it out for the rest of the date. If that was now, I would call an Uber & be done. Fuck that. His friend & his date were obviously awkward around me as they felt the tension John was causing. Finally, he dropped me off at a friend’s house to go hang out with his friends & the date ended abruptly. I don’t think he even walked me to the door. After that, things just weren’t the same between us. He was distant & weird. I confronted him about it once & he said, “Oh baby, I’m sorry. I just don’t feel that way about you.” This was roughly 20 years ago, so I felt like *I* had screwed up. It wasn’t until I got some distance that I could see what had really happened – he fucked up because he’s, well, a dumbass.

And let’s be honest: I saw the warning signs. I would make jokes or comments & he wouldn’t get it. I would try to explain it & it would be like I was talking in Russian. I would quickly give up & change topics. I would try to talk to him about anything else & it would fall flat. I felt like I had to dumb myself down to be around him & that was frustrating. I knew it would never work out. I wanted to strangle him & we were just coworkers. But I was young, he was young, & we’re both pumped full of hormones & curiosity. I’m really thankful I didn’t even kiss him. God, could you imagine? Ugh.

John reminds me of a dog that chases its tail. Cute to look at but dumb as a box of rocks. I have a theory which is to give him a Bud Light with a bottle opener in his back pocket & he would look like that dog, running around in circles.

Whenever I hear the idioms “Gentlemen prefer blondes” or “Blondes have more fun,” I gotta be honest, it makes me internally gag. I know this is just my experience but idiots like John will pop in my head. Gimme a smart, sexy, confident brunette any day of the week. You can keep your blondes. 😉